At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvellously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time. - Nietzsche
Where should I start? She is now 9 month old and I would describe her as a very spirited little human being. She is intense in her emotions, she is very curious, persistent, perceptive, and outgoing. She enjoys people very much. Her stranger anxiety is not too intense yet. She behaves a little cautious at first, but once she feels safe she adapts easily to another person. When I leave her with her babysitters, she looks around for a bit, but does not seem to experience too much distress. When I come back she squeaks with joy. This is my favorite part.
Her gross motor development is a bit slow. She still doesn't roll over or crawl. When I help her in the standing position she pushes herself with stiff little legs into the air. Once she stands she is very strong. She holds on to someone or something and is fine for a long time. So far she has not enough balance to stand alone. Her body movements appear to me to be a bit more cautious and anxious. She stiffens very quickly and doesn't allow for others to move her. If I want to play a clapping game with her or row the boat she resists every movement induced by me. She claps her hands by herself. She also plays peek-a-boo on her own with toys and scarfs.
She doesn't like soft toys. Everything has to be big and out of wood, plastic, metal or paper. Her favorite toys are non-toys.
Her fine motor development is very good. She seems to be very perceptive regarding minor differences in patterns or things. She points it out with her little index finger. She investigates everything with an unusual intensity.
Her language skills are wonderful and very enjoyable to me. She babbles many syllables and some words seem to be quite intricate. I cannot repeat them in written form. She says mamama, dadada, bababa, jajaja, and these complicated words I mentioned before.
Yesterday Leyla and I saw a Craniosacral therapist. Here is a link that explains CST a bit more:
http://upledger.com/content.asp?id=26
It is a very light form of bodywork that is very calming and balancing. I am also trained in CST, but I am so exhausted at the moment that I need work myself and I think that I am too closely connected to Leyla to be effective with my work. I believe that our rhythm is anyhow the same at the moment. The therapist we saw is also trained in infant development and movement. he assessed Leyla's movements and concluded that she is just fine, only a bit more afraid of movement. He gave me one exercise and did Craniosacral work on both of us at the same time. It was amazing to feel Leyla relax in my arms. She was very calm for at least 30 minutes, which is unusual for her.
Here are a few pictures someone of Rick's squadron took of us. I am glad we have now a few nice pictures of us as a family. I am not sure what to think of creating "Holiday Family Pictures" in front of an airplane that is used in combat. I can't wrap my head around the combination of meanings (a holiday that stands for love and family, plus an innocent baby, and a jet that is used for destruction and combat). Well, even though I might not understand it, I have participated and the pictures are beautiful. I would not necessarily send it as a Holiday Greeting Card :)))
These are So Young and Eden from my playgroup. We went for a short walk today, because the weather was just perfect.
Just a few pictures of today. We had a few very hard days of fussiness. Today was the first day that we both enjoyed each others company again. I think Leyla was sad to see my father leave.
Shakyamuni taught that the shallow is easy to embrace, but the profound is difficult. To discard the shallow and seek the profound is the way of a person of courage. -Nichiren
Over the last few weeks I have received daily emails with Buddhist wisdom. I really enjoy these little insights and they often stick in my thoughts for the entire day.
I just created our "December tradition". I don't really enjoy Christmas and it's current meaning in our Western society, as I understand it. I am not religious and this is one reason why I cannot relate to the deeper meaning of Christmas. Even though we are living a consumers life, is the tradition of massive amounts of gifts, wrapping paper, boxes, heavy dinners, shopping stress, family gatherings, etc. not truly my personal forte. As a young woman (between 19 and 28) I have spend several Christmases alone (by choice and not by choice). The first ones were gruesome and lonely and later ones were very nice and reflective. The quietness around me often brought me back into my deeper self.
Well all this said, now I have a little family of three and I created one new tradition that hopefully helps me to outshine the loneliness I sometimes experience in daily life as well as the depression of these past lonely Holidays. I decided to call our little tree the "December Tree". I asked all my dearest friends to send me one hope, dream, wish, or gratitude that they want me to write on a little purple heart which I will hang on our tree. Additionally I have asked all of them to send me a picture of them as children. This way I feel I can connect to the essential presence of my friends. I can see much clearer who we are when I look at photographs of us as children. I will place all these pictures around our tree. This way I have them all around me in this time of cold and darkness and can see their true spirits.
Over the last week I tried to capture Leyla's new teeth on camera. It was a very difficult task, but I finally got a wonderful shot. She looks all the sudden so grown up with her new teeth. One morning I came into her room and when I saw her laying in her bed, I was shocked how big she already is. She still doesn't move around (crawling, scooting, rolling, etc.) and her frustration about it becomes more by the day. She actually lifts her little bum a bit more by now, but still not enough to really propel herself forward.
Today something wonderful and heart warming happened. Leyla has a regular babysitter, who is also my best friend here in Italy and she comes 2-3 times a week while I go on bike rides. Each time I return, Leyla seems happy to see me, but her happiness is not very different to the happiness when she sees a stranger who smiles at her. Today I returned from a game of Racquetball and once Leyla saw me she screamed with loud delight. Rick said that he really could feel her little diaphragm vibrating from all the joy and excitement. This really warmed my heart. The same happens now when Rick comes home. She seems to recognize us as her special people.
Daily Buddha Baby Wisdom: To know oneself is to know all things in the universe. When you change, your environment changes, too. When your inner resolve changes, everything is transformed. This principle is summed up by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's maxim, "Nothing's outside that's not within." (Daisaku Ikeda, Buddhism Day By Day)
We have a quiet weekend at home and it feels good.
Today I went into a very expensive kitchen store here in Sacile. I just wanted to ask for a waffle iron and walked out with a little bit more. Leyla Maus is currently interested in everything in her reach. The most favorite items are books and pieces of paper. While I was talking tot his very fashionably dressed Italian woman Leyla found some paper on which a ceramic pot was placed. Everything shattered tot he floor and the pot had a small indent on the lid. I immediately offered to buy the pot and apologized for this mishap. Well, it turns out that the pot belongs to a set of 4 very expensive German made pots. All ceramic, non-stick, shiny black, and stylish pots. After some discussion I finally agreed to buy the entire set for 25 Euro less. It was still very expensive and I learned a lesson about little Leyla in the stroller all by herself. We actually wanted to look into a new pot set and now Leyla choose one for us.
Here is the daily Buddha wisdom from Buddah Baby:
Buddha "Awakened One." One who perceives the true nature of all life and leads others to attain this same enlightenment. This Buddha nature exists in all beings and is characterized by the qualities of wisdom, courage, compassion and life force.
We just returned from a short trip to Germany. It was lovely. Leyla had so much fun with everybody and enjoyed the constant interaction with people. I can't offer her such a variety of contact in our daily life, because I don't know so many people. I might have already mentioned that I started a play group. This group feels so much better than the groups on base and the time is also more convenient for L and me. Yesterday I posted a flyer in our local organic shop, because I would like to start another play group with Italian mamas. This way I could practice my Italian and L can spend time with other babies.
Leyla is a steady and strong sitter. This is all she does sitting on her popo and watching the world go by. When she loses a toy she gets frustrated but doesn't move to get the toy herself. She has mastered the art of reaching very far while remaining glued to the ground in the seated position. It seems as if intense studying of objects in her hands is so engaging to her that movement towards other things is not needed. So far there is apparently still no need for concern, as her legs are very strong and she would be able to do it. I am also in contact with a physical therapist that watches her progress.
Leyla is just getting over her first cold. It was a bit difficult to see her suffer so much. Her nose was constantly running, her eyes seemed to itch, as she was constantly rubbing them, her cheeks were flushed, and she was overall out of sorts. I guess these are all the obvious symptoms we all know, but for her it was the first time. She was truly "tapfer" and still full of joy when she was awake.
We gave her a big lid from a box that had many white dots on a black background. She almost became cross-eyed looking at it. It was obvious that she physically reacted to the dots. Once we looked at them we knew what was going on. they made us dizzy and caused severe vision disturbances. Poor Leyla.
I hope that Leyla and I will be fully recovered by Saturday for our trip to Germany. I am truly looking forward to some time with Peter and Heidi, even though I saw in the weather forecast that I will encounter true miserable German weather: rain, cold, dark, and windy. Nice, I can't wait.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
I was asked to write more about Leyla's developmental steps. Her changes are very subtle and small so it's hard for me to sometimes see them.
She uses her thumb to pick things up. She eats teething biscuits. She loves to sit in her backpack and rides along with me in the house. She giggles a lot in the evenings (maybe she is overwhelmed and tired by this time?) She can stand when I give her two fingers to hold on to, but has to use a lot of concentration and balancing. She babbles in the morning and evening mostly during physical contact (bla, bla, and da, da, and ah, ah). She moves her trunk up and down and it looks as if she is dancing. She loves all kinds of plastic cups. She investigates her hands and feet with intense interest. She smiles and recognizes certain songs I sing to her. Yesterday it looked as if she waved "ciao" to Michele , the check out lady at A&O. She has a lot of friends in Sacile and everybody loves to see her. She gets scared when the vacuum cleaner is on and cries with intensity and tears (the thing is truly ridiculously noisy). She whines more out of frustration. She seems like a little Buddha among other agile babies. She smiles a lot. She is more scared of strangers now and looks at Rick or me for reassurance. She loves her tooth brushes. She sits like a pro. She eats all kinds of vegetables and loves her oatmeal cereal in the morning. She has a great appetite and seems to enjoy eating. She is big (long and wide) and weighs over 20 pounds. She is deeply loved and feels it :)))
Today I rode the Prosecco Road Race and have to say that I am pretty proud of my physical endurance and strength. I felt very strong and good during the race. It was only 45 miles long and it took me 2 hours and 30 minutes. Rick and Leyla were my support team. At one point I rode past them and i heard Leyla scream. I imagined that she shouted at me in support and I had to giggle to myself.
Over the last week I practiced the Buddhist Loving Kindness meditation every day and I can truly feel a shift within myself. Not only do I feel more at ease with myself and the people around me, but I also have a heightened awareness of my thoughts and how they affect my emotional states. Many thoughts that are directed towards the future leave me feeling breathless and a bit anxious. Other thoughts can create a slight irritation within me, and again others can truly bring happiness, such as thoughts of Leyla or Rick.
The more I read about Buddhism, the more I find my heart and soul drawn to it. I started to listen to a Buddhist retreat on audio by Pema Chodron. I love her approach and insights. Today I incorporated the "Three Nobel Principles" in my daily practice. 1. Good at the beginning. This means that every moment when I start something, such as a meal or cooking or changing Leyla's diaper, I set the intention of may it help me and may it help others. The intention is to create and atmosphere of compassion and to increase happiness. 2. Good in the middle. This means that while I am engaged in activity I do it without grasping. 3. Good in the end. This means that I imagine that everything good that came out of this action will be spread out.
I truly find that being with Leyla is teaching me a lot about present moment awareness and that everything changes constantly from moment to moment. Her mind is not yet full of all the clutter and thoughts that create so much anxiety and distress. She has no grasp of the future or the past and is therefore ever present in the present moment. She doesn't have to deal with inner judgments, critique, comparison, or self-constructs that are non-serving. Her spirit is still free. How long can she maintain this presence? Maybe once she grasps time? Once she sees her own body as distinctly different from the world? It doesn't matter. All than matters is that I feel as if I learn from her being present in the present moment. I love this about her. My little Buddha child teaches me things about life that are very difficult to develop as an adult.
May I be well. May you be well. May all beings be well.
Today as on so many days before Leyla and I have taken a walk through our town, Sacile. I had an appointment with a sports doctor in order to get a bike racing license for Italy. It is still nice and warm. The sun shines every day and the most amazing autumn air surrounds us. This is truly the most beautiful time of the year. Here are a few pictures of our trip. Leyla was very attentive in her stroller (she tends to sit slightly leaned forward and watches everything intently). After the doctor, which by the way was a very weird experience and the oldest office including medical equipment I have ever seen, Leyla had a little sip of milk in the park and we enjoyed the sun, the wind in the trees, the sound of the river, and beautiful connection moments. A perfect day in September.
I wasn't part of the facebook community for long. It was a very short lived experience. Today I decided to delete my entire account and I feel tremendous relieve after my final divorce from it. I literally logged into this world once or twice a day in order to find out nothing new about nothing. It also made me socially anxious to participate in something as a kind of silent observer that occasionally leaves a piece of unnecessary information into cyberspace for hundreds of other silent observers. For me personally facebook was an energy sucker. I used possible 5-10 minutes out of my day logged into it and felt more nervous and confused afterwards.
How confusing it was to connect to all these people I know or knew at one stage in my live. People that I know well and people that I hardly know, people I worked with,people Rick works with, people I played with, people I slept with, etc. At one stage in my life some of these relationships were clearly over and suddenly here they are again? Other relationships in this facebook world have never begun. What shall we do with each other, how much information am I willing to share? Each time I decided to post something I considered in my mind all these different people with whom I have or had different qualities of relationships. Well, this thought process didn't leave much room for the need or interest to share things that are important to me.
What have I learned from this short intermezzo? I clearly recognized my personal way of interacting with people and my need for intimacy with people. I am just not cut out for the modern world of cyberspace relationships. I need eye contact, touch, immediate communication, personal reflection, personal acknowledgement and interest in each other.
What have I lost by deleting my facebook profile? I lost relationships that were long lost before, I lost connections to people with whom I have never had a relationship, and a constant newsfeed about nothingness.
What have I gained? I certainly gained 5-10 minutes in my day that I hope to use for short meditation sessions, breathing exercises, stretching, or just relaxing my mind in any other way. I also gained some more time and energy to write on this blog and some personal emails to friends with whom I actually have relationships.
This will be a compressed version of the last 3 months of our life. The last pictures are still from our trip to Germany and France in June. Since then we have taken several small trips. The longer ones were to Umbria and to Bozen, Munich and Bad Aiblingen. We also had several visitors, Barbara and Katja and her daughters. I will not go into more detail about al the things we did. All these times were very enjoyable.
Let’s see what the milestones of Leyla Maus are: She has 2 teeth. She eats rice cereal since one week. She smiles and observes her surroundings very intently. She picks up small objects and moves them from one hand into the other. She smiles and giggles when I sing IZ’ song: Somewhere over the rainbow to her. She smiles when I dance for her. She giggles when we tickle her in her little neck folds.
It is so wonderful to watch her and to engage with her in play and fun activities. I love her surprised look when we do something new, when she feels a new texture, hears a new sound, or smells something different.
We started to go to a playgroup. It was nice to see Leyla engaged and curious about the other babies, but the atmosphere otherwise was very negative and draining there for me as the mother. I decided to create a private playgroup with women that I feel a connection with.
Over the last few weeks, I realized how much I compare Leyla to other babies and myself to other mothers. It is so hurtful to her and myself that I wish to refrain form this unhealthy activity. There are several things that Leyla hasn’t done yet as a baby of 6 month and I started to get anxious that she wouldn’t hit the right milestones on time. She is already behind in some areas. My routine was to ask about the age of other babies and to watch them in there abilities. Then I would compare Leyla and get nervous. In German the word for comparing is “vergleichen”. No one person is “gleich”. This means that no one is the same. Therefore it makes no sense to “vergleichen”, because there is nothing “gleich”. Well I am not sure if this really made sense to the English speaking population, or even the German speaking people. It doesn’t really matter, because I know what I mean. So my new promise ot myself and Leyla is to stop comparing. It is difficult to refrain from it. I find new ways of rationalizing why it is important for me to compare in this instance. The reasons are that I need to be aware of her inabilities, so that we can tackle these problems, bla, bla, bla. How can it be that all this already happens so early in Leyla’s life. Pressure to perform. Yuck, Yuck, Yuck,
Here is one potential explanation for this. In our military community babies are screened for their developmental milestones every 2 months. I think this vigilance about milestones is such a set up for feelings of failure. I think that as long as Leyla doesn’t regress and has strength in all body areas she is just fine.
I could write a similarly long paragraph on my own need to compare myself as a mother. It is useless, painful, creates self- and other-judgments that drive me away from healthy and honest connections to others.
My new mantra is: I wish to celebrate Leyla’s uniqueness, my own uniqueness, and the uniqueness of everybody else who crosses our path.
I am not even sure if anyone still reads this blog, as it has been such a long time since my last entry. Leyla and I were traveling for three weeks to family members in Germany and France. It felt good to be so close with Leyla and I feel that we have truly started some attachment process in this time. She stopped screaming about 2 weeks ago. It actually was a very slow process and her crying spells already declined a little longer ago. All these beginning times are almost forgotten. It is impressive how selective memory works. Rick just reminded me of how hard the beginning was and I almost forgot it all.
She has now many more contented periods and smiles much more. Every morning when I get her out of bed she stretches, coos, and smiles. She smiles during nursing and holds eye contact with us for a long time. This gazing is such a wonderful way of connecting with her. I love her with so much intensity.
In Germany I found out that a law exists that makes corporal punishment of children in any way illegal. The legal repercussions can go from a fine to the removal of the child from the family. This is one aspect of Germany and Germans that I truly admire and also hate. People there are not afraid to be in each other’s business. It is almost self-policing. It is in a way a wonderful ability of people to stand up for what seems right or wrong. I hated it while I was there this time around, as people would randomly comment on the way I treated Leyla. These comments came out in different manners. They either were directly directed at me, such as: “excuse me, I think you are strangulating your child” (she was sleeping facing out in the moby wrap and her face looked down, so that she looked a bit squashed). Another comment was also related to the way I carried her in the wrap facing out into the world: “I just have to mention that you will damage the spine of your child by having her in this position in the wrap. She also is unable to protect herself adequately from the influences of the world.” Other more unpleasant comments were only mumbled by not looking at me. Leyla cried and a woman felt the need to mumble the reason for her discontent in my direction: “She can’t see anything” (her hat was a bit in her face), or “she must be hungry”. In Italy I often hear “she must be cold”. It is incredible how an entirely new world of social networks and judgments has surfaced around me. There are the parents that smile knowingly at me and there seems to be some form of understanding and connection and there are the ones that seem to know it all better.
Back to corporal punishment: This seems to be a very loaded theme in the world of human beings. Everybody has in one form or another thought about this issue, either as a parent or as a child of parents. So you don’t have to be a parent to form an opinion about spanking. It seems as if everybody has a piece of advice and insight about it. There are the people that say: “My parents spanked me and even used the belt and I turned out just fine.” “I deserved it, I was a terrible child” is another explanation I heard often. Other leagues of people hold the firm belief that any form of spanking is a discriminating and cruel act. Then there are the ones that held this belief, had a child, and found themselves spanking it. They now feel that it is impossible to say what a person will do once he/she is confronted with the difficulty of raising a child. I am still one of these people that is against any form of corporal punishment of children. The example I often bring is that it would be unacceptable to spank or hit ones spouse or friend in case of any form of misbehavior. These people are at least grown ups and can stand up for themselves and defend themselves. I was once “spanked” in the face by a drunken woman in Las Vegas. This was such a shaming and degrading feeling.
I think the danger with the profession “parent” is that most people have done it or at least experienced it as a daughter or a son. It seems that many people feel they are experts in this area and feel the need to let others know about it. I am sure that it will become even clearer once Leyla is around 2 years old and goes through the terrible twos. Now she is still a baby and there can’t be too much blame put on us as parents for her crying. Even though this said, I had a German Osteopath in France tell me that her crying is emotional and caused by my internal state of mind. This is like saying: oh you have cancer you brought it on yourself by your emotional state of mind. I have a hard time with this form of worldview.
In all honesty, I think that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to somehow make a parenting license mandatory before people have children. I know this is a strange stance and most people feel that parenting is something every person is able to do through intuition. I think there might be a point to the idea of intuition regarding the love that parents feel toward their children, but many aspects of parenting should not solely be left to intuition. Through parenting we create our future generations and isn’t this an incredibly important task that should not be approached merely by intuition? This would mean that intuitively we raise our children just the way our parents did without questioning it.
I might be wrong with my impressions, because I am a very sensitive woman and I am quick to take any form of well-meant advice as a form of criticism about myself. One important part that I always try to remember before I go about the business of judging a person for their ways of going about things is that I never walked in their shoes and therefore can’t understand the entire story behind this behavior. This doesn’t mean that I never judge or gossip, but it means that I try to stay aware and conscious of my need to do it. It often truly makes me feel better about myself and even though this is a sad and cheap form of achieving a good feeling about myself, it is certainly creating a short boost of self-esteem. It never lasts long and I feel terrible afterwards, but it works.
Leyla has now two passports and an Italian birth certificate. I am so happy that she is allowed to keep both citizenships, the German and the American. Her passport pictures are as any baby passport picture, very funny. She looks as if she was in a fight of some sort. We had to get the German pass from the German Embassy in Milan. Normally I would love a trip to Milan, but with a baby in tow it is not so easy. Especially one that is not so fond of car rides or her car seat. I can’t figure it out, but she cries very intensely on her car journeys. I have attached a mirror, so that I can see her, and she has a hanging toy that she likes, but nothing can distract her long enough. Our journey to Milan was therefore a bit stressful, no coffees, shopping, long lunches, or sight seeing. Sweating in the car, almost missing our appointment, taking passport pictures, and crying, diapers, long stops at Auto Grills (my favorite sandwich place in Northern Italy) for nursing sessions and consoling.
Well, all this said, over the last week, when my in-laws were here, Leyla was like an angle baby. She didn’t cry too often, she was easily consoled, she smiled and cooed, she took some bottles from Susann and fell asleep very quickly. I hope she will have some more weeks like this. Life must be so much nicer for her this way. I am always wondering how much her throat must hurt after all this crying. Trust me, I don’t believe in letting her cry all by herself, but even if she is in the arms of another human being she continues to cry.
Yesterday (Monday) Leyla had a terrible day of intense and loud crying. I was worried that she was in some kind of pain so I gave her some Baby Tylenol, but it didn’t change her a bit. Rick came home around 18:30 and her crying peaked at this time. We were both speechless and surprised. I guess after a week of glimpses into what life could be like with an easy baby it was a bit overwhelming and difficult to see her revert back into her old behavior. I am sure that Rick’s parents must think we are making it all up with Leyla’s intensity. Today she seems a bit better and is napping at the moment. I am sure this will help her to feel more even keel.
In a few weeks I will fly with her to Germany (Duesseldorf) and later to France (Nice) to visit first my father and then my mother. I am curious how she will like flying. Hopefully better than car rides.
On Sunday we did a 55 miles (88 km) bike ride along the Prosecco Wine Road (climb of 1200 meters – 4000 feet). The ride was called the Granfondo Prosecco. It was a race as well as a fun ride for normal people. This ride took us almost 4 hours and I have to admit that among the 2000 or so riders we were in the last 10%. In the end we were able to take a team of 2 women and an overweight man over and some older guys with leg cramps on the side of the road. This shows how serious Italians are about their bike riding. I guess that most people were there to race and not to have a leisurely ride. I actually could not have gone any faster. My current excuse is that I haven’t been training much, because I gave birth 9 weeks ago. There will be another ride of similar length and elevation in July. The Pinarello Granfondo. I will try to train a bit for this one.
The last weeks have been a constant up and down for Leyla. Her crying spells overall are getting much better and she has found her smile, hands, and voice. It is so lovely to hear her cooing, see her smiling, grasping and sucking on her fingers. I also read the “No cry sleep solution” with her and she took some of the advice given in the book (see pictures) ☺
Over the last week Susann and Jerry have been here visiting their vocal grand daughter. They are so helpful with Leyla. It is amazing to be able to go for bike rides with Rick. In the last few days we rode around 80 or so miles and climbed a few high mountains. One was 1200 meters, the other just 650 meters. On Tuesday we were able to ride part of the Giro D’Italia. It was the first climb of the Giro from Feltre to Croce d’Aune. Rick rode ahead in order to measure his strength against the riders. He made the climb in 40 minutes and it took me 47 minutes (20 minutes for the professional riders). I had help from Mario in the end. He was an Italian guy in his 70s and owner of a bike club in the Veneto region. He honestly knew all the guys we took over. It was great to have someone next to me, who fired me on. Some of the men on the side of the road were shouting: Bionda, or Bella, Bellissima, Forza, etc. I think they liked to see me ride up this mountain. Don’t get me wrong there were other women, but just not as many.
This is all for now. Everybody who hasn’t seen it, here is the link to our photo web site.
Well after the last blog entry things slowly started to improve. I have a bit more support in place. The air base sends out two professionals very week. One is a lactation consultant and helps with Leyla’s weight gain and general observation of her. The other one is a physical therapist that will come every week for 6 month and helps with her motor and emotional development. We do infant massage together and she suggests different placements of the baby that help with muscle memory. She also suggests each week ideas for self-soothing activities as well as developmental activities. I also organized for one to two people to come over during the week to just hold her for 2 hours or so. This gives me a break and allows me to catch up on chores that I otherwise have no real ability to do. I also hired a cleaning lady that comes once a week and my friend Jordana should be back. She is willing to baby sit Leyla for 2-3 times a week. This way I will get some bike rides or other exercises into my days. I can’t wait for this.
It is also getting better with Leyla. Since 3 days she started taking naps. She sleeps for 2-3 hour increments and this helps with her nighttime fussiness. She enjoys a long evening bath and massage. She still cries in between, but the periods seem to get shorter. I think her little nervous system finally settles down.
One thing that is difficult for me is that after I nurse her she starts crying in my arms again. Once she is help by someone else she immediately is calm and quiet. Once she is back in my arms she starts crying again. So what is the reason for this? As the mother I would like to think that I have the ultimate soothing ability, but this seems not to be the case. Maybe she still smells the milk on me and wants back to the breast and with a stranger there is not so much temptation? It makes me insecure. I ultimately know that I should not take this personally, but it is hard.
What have the last weeks been like? I guess the most stressful in a while. Leyla cries around 6-8 hours a day and is very fussy. She has been diagnosed with colic, which basically means there is no explanation for her crying. The only times she is calm and content is when she is on my breast and I nurse her every 2 hours. Other things help erratically, like laying on the dryer for diaper changes, bouncing her around, walking with her in the baby bjorn or a sling, holding a pacifier in her mouth, etc. No, she doesn’t like car rides, rides in the stroller, being held, or swaddling.
I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression and have started antidepressants. I think the reason the diagnosed me so early is that there is the fear of me shaking the baby out of frustration and overwhelm. I must say that I don’t really feel depressed, but I will continue to take the meds. I have been severely depressed with 20 and this felt very different.
Things I have read and tried: Massage, colic drops form the pediatrician, swing, the EASY schedule from Tracy Hogg, The 5 S’s from Karp, white noise, and many more things. I read “Healthy Sleep Happy Child” and “The No Cry Sleep Solution”. The most difficult part is that I am ashamed to be out and about with her when she cries so much. Her cries are so intense as if she is in extreme pain and suffers greatly. I always try to find a window of calmness and do quick errands in this time. Her crying is inconsolable and each time we meet people I get another piece of advice that makes me feel like a failure. No more advice please!!!!
Leyla only allows herself to sleep 8-10 hours a day, which explains why her crying becomes more intense in the evening. She is totally overwhelmed and worked up by the time the evening rolls around. Then the crying is even more intense and it often takes her 4-6 hours to fall asleep. Once she is asleep she lays in her crib with her arms flailed out at the side and looks totally exhausted. The good news is that once she sleeps she sleeps and I have to get her up every few hours for her feeds. Yes, I create a calm and soothing atmosphere around her and try not to over stimulate her. This also means that I try to create very regulated days for her. Same bedtime routine and same morning rituals, etc…
This weekend was really nice for me, because Rick is finally at home and I was able to go on three bike rides. I really only need 2 hours or so by myself in order to deal with her again. But reality is that I am alone with her on all weekdays, because Rick works such long hours. In the evening I am so exhausted and feel unable to provide for her. I am waiting for a friend of mine, who returns on the 16th from the States. She is willing to baby sit for us. But I also want to be careful, as the crying is difficult for us as loving parents to endure and I wonder how it is for people who don’t necessarily love her as much. There is always the risk of people shaking the baby, because they are frustrated with her.
Life with Leyla is beautiful and difficult, stressful and blissful, annoying and delightful. In the end we love her and feel very lucky to have her in our lives. I am hopeful that by 3-4 month she will settle down a bit.
Leyla has arrived. She is finally here and it is unbelievable beautiful and stressful to have her in our lives.
She was born on the 12th of March at 15:10 after only 12 hours of birthing. I almost went all the way without any drugs, but in the end my pushes became so inefficient that the doctor wanted to use the vacuum to support her on her way out. With each push she came down but slipped right back up. She came “sunny side up” and was maybe a bit too big to have an easy exit. For the last 30 minutes I had a light spinal block and she was after only a few pushes here. The vacuum extraction meant that she had to be checked out by a doctor immediately and I couldn’t hold her right away. All this and the birthing pain were right away forgotten, even though I have to say this was one of the most painful experiences ever.
Leyla was born at 3920 gram and measured 52 cm. This means she was already a big girl at birth. All this is wonderful, because she is overall a strong and healthy girl. She is only six days old and is already able to turn her head all by herself, she nurses like a pro and has a cry so strong that there is no doubt that she is truly alive.
Rick and I are currently struggling with sleep deprivation and days of crying and fussing. She has had two days where she was absolutely inconsolable. Now we started using a carrying sling that keeps her close to our bodies. This really helps during the day. I hope tonight will also be a better night. Silently I hoped for a calm and contained little person.
• You are connected to your body, mind, and soul. This means you are at ease with yourself and feel warm and comfortable within yourself.
• You are connected to the inner rhythms of your body and your way of being in this world.
• You are able to access and to express all your emotions freely.
• You experience self-esteem, self-worth, and self-love. You feel secure in yourself and trust your instincts and wisdom.
• You know who you are.
• You are able to set healthy boundaries with yourself and others.
• You feel respected and loved by yourself and others at all times.
• You are curious, explorative and eager to learn from others. You can forgive yourself for your mistakes and continue to respect and love yourself and others.
• You are able to create friendships, intimacy, and love in your life. This means you are able to give empathy, respect, compassion, and care to others and are also able to receive these gifts from others.
• You seek the truth, goodness, and beauty in other humans and the world.
• You trust in your own abilities and in the abilities of others.
Ways to Support Leyla on her Journey Through Life: We will always love you!!!!
• We will hold a vision for you until you can do it for yourself.
• We will walk our talk and be congruent with our actions.
• We will communicate with you and approach you with respect. This means we will treat you the way we would like to be treated by others.
• We will ask permission before we do something to you and we will always give you a choice.
• We will listen to your cues and things you have to express to us.
• We will be sensitive and responsive to your needs.
• We will help you to reflect on your emotions, by helping you to put words to them and to express them.
• We will be honest about our feelings.
• We will consciously slow down and come from my calm and centered place, especially when we have the urge to rush.
• We will always protect your boundaries and sacred / personal space by maintaining our boundaries and standing up for your boundaries.
• We will pay conscious attention to you and inform you when we divert our attention to something else.
I can imagine that there are now enough belly pictures on my blog to last for a lifetime. In my mind this will be the only pregnancy I will ever experience and therefore I might have been a bit obsessive.
I still feel fantastic, even though there are only 10 days left until my actual due date. My body is strong and healthy and I have no aches or pains. Currently my father and Heidi are here for a visit, because Rick is gone for a week long TDY in Sardinia. I miss him terribly and hope that kleine Leyla will stay in my big belly until he is back home. Nothing in my body feels as if I am going into labor soon, but is this really something I can tell? I don’t know.
Well, I am still reading baby books. I will attach pictures of all the books I have read so far and the one’s I will use as reference guides over the next few years. There is truly so much to learn in my view and I am so glad I read so much. One book I liked in particular is called: “Bright From the Start” by Jill Stamm. This book mainly addresses aspects of attention development, bonding, and communication. The author applies the most leading edge neuroscience findings to the development of babies. I am currently writing a little summary of the most important aspects so that we can use it as a reference over the next few years.
Have I actually told you which cloth diaper I decided to use? My choice fell on the simplest and cheapest cloth diaper method. The old fashioned prefolds made of organic cotton. I will use wool covers over night and thinner covers during the day. Here are a few pictures. One diaper costs $1 and we will need 48 in the first 6-9 month. Can you imagine how much money and landfill space this saves. I truly hope now that we will be able to pull through with it. It will be more work, but what isn’t work in the first few years of a baby’s life. I hope I am not too “blue eyed”. I will be honest and give you an update in case I switch to normal plastic diapers ☺.
Rick brought up a good point. His suggestion was to write now about my feelings towards Leyla and how I perceive her in my belly at this point. The reason is that once she is born many of my perceptions might change because of her looks, health, temperament, etc. I am not sure if it truly is possible to remain unbiased and without expectations while I am “expecting”, but I try to have as little expectations as possible. I don’t know if she will be healthy and without and physiological defects, I don’t know if she will have hair or not, if she will look like Rick or like me, or my grandfather, who knows. All these aspects can change one’s perception I guess.
How do I feel?
Well, first of all, I have a rather big belly by now and when I sit down it rests in my lap. I have lost sight of my feet a while ago. But I still feel very comfortable in my body, nothing is swollen and I still wear my regular pants with only a bella band to hold them up. I am very pleased about the way my body has managed the pregnancy so far.
I can feel Leyla now more and more. Not only do I feel her movements, which are very strong and just feel wonderful, but also her arousal state. There are days when she is very quiet and I wonder if something has happened to her. These days usually follow some active days and it seems as if she rests after a period of growth and change. When I have a short adrenalin boost, either when I encounter a scary situation in the car or I am nervous when I speak to someone it appears as if the adrenalin goes right into her system. She gets very active, but more nervous active as if she can’t get really comfortable. Fortunately don’t I have much stress in my life at the moment and feel the adrenalin pumping only once or twice a week.
I have to admit that I am very curious about meeting Leyla und about my new role as her mother. It is fascinating to me that there is already a form of love from my side, that I haven’t known before. It is protective and strong. What I am about to describe about her right now might be tainted by my pre-expectations and hopes. It feels to me as if Leyla is a very resilient girl with a tendency to withdraw from contact with others. It appears to me as if she might be very sensitive to changes and might be in need for more regularity and structure in order to feel safe. She feels physically strong to me and she seems to grow and progress right on time. My entire pregnancy has so far progressed in a textbook fashion without major complications or worries.
Currently I am preparing myself for the birth of her. This means I am reading about the stages, possible pain interventions and their pros and cons. If all would go according to my hopes (which it probably doesn’t as nothing seems to be predictable about pregnancy and childbirth) then I would have a natural birth without any pain relief (no epidural). I believe that pain is there for a good reason and I wish to have control over my body at all times. Only this way, I believe, will Leyla and I be able to work as a team in the process. I can feel through pain if she is uncomfortable, or something is wrong.
I don’t know if I told you that we have 7 women in our squadron that are pregnant. The first one had her baby over the weekend and I saw her with baby today. It is unbelievable that this little person was inside of her. I always saw her with the baby in the belly and suddenly there she is. This little person is called Sophia and is so beautiful and perfect.
Tomorrow I have another appointment with my doctor. I had a lot of contractions recently, which are only Braxton Hicks contractions and are apparently quite normal. They are not painful and just uncomfortable. He anyhow checked my cervix, which is still closed. The baby has during this scan already been head down. I hope he can check tomorrow again the sex, as I heard now more and more stories of people who had a surprise. The technician, who performed our 20-week scan, said that it is a girl, but he never wants to commit 100%. Now I understand why.
I am so curious about the changes and things that will happen in this year. My plan is to continue with my university degree and to take CLEP and Dantes tests in the next few months, while Leyla is small. Later when I am more comfortable to leave her with a nanny I can imagine picking up a higher course load again.
I also went to a private language school today and signed up for 24 private hours in Italian. It is very frustrating to me that I have no one so far to talk to. I study everyday a bit and still feel unable to speak. Now with a private tutor I will get more practice and hopefully will progress a bit faster.
What are my dreams for the next year? • Giving birth to a healthy baby • Becoming and being a loving, patient, and conscious mother • Adjusting to all the new roles in my life (mother, lover, partner, wife, friend, relative, air force wife, student, professional massage therapist, lover of physical activities) • Finding balance in all of this • Remaining strong and healthy in my body and mind • Performing good self-care, such as regular exercise, daily showers (I heard this might be problem as a new mother), time for study and reflection, time for exchanges with friends • I hope to find a baby group with women that I feel connected to • Receive at least 21 hours with the university, better even 30 hours • Reflecting on my personal struggles and working through them
I don’t quite know where to start or where my thoughts will lead me today. Just a little forewarning: I feel a bit depressed and still lonely regarding social contacts. The loneliness is always most intense after we socialized in large groups of people, which we did the entire weekend.
We just came back from a weekend trip to Austria with the entire squadron. Our Christmas party was there in a little ski village named Kirchdorf. There is always this romantic idea of snow, mountain lodges, open fires, hot chocolate, and romance. I find snow very nice to look at from the inside of a warm house, but cannot feel comfortable with its wetness and coldness. The summertime is so much more appealing to me. Then there is this harsh little person within me that tends to criticize everything and anything. On our way to Austria we spoke about our ideas of Christmas, our experiences with it, and how we would like to create Christmas, once our daughter is born. Rick admitted that he misses a bit of Christmas spirit in our house. I happen to have no affinity for all these Christmas trinkets, decorations, and fantasies. The voice inside of me is again very harsh, resistant, and critical of this holiday. My core beliefs are still present, such as kindness, non-judgment, kindness and forgiveness with other human beings, importance of open-heartedness and love, but something inside of me tries to protect and cover up these soft spots inside of me. I know, all these values are very much in accordance with any other spiritual person.
Our conclusion as a couple was that we would try to find our own Christmas ritual. One idea we could agree on was to print out photographs of the entire year and to hang them in small frames on a decorated tree. By the end of Christmas we thought we could sit together as a family and make a collage or photo album out of these pictures. Afterwards we thought we could burn the tree and throw our wishes and dreams for the next year into it.
The question of how to explain Christmas to our daughter still remains to be answered. I guess reality is that society will take care of it. We discussed that we would later explain what the background of Christmas is and why we don’t choose to celebrate it in the traditional sense.
There also surface the questions of religion and how to handle it, especially if we should end up living in the US. I think it is best to give a child all the options, explain our own take on it, and to let her eventually decide. One idea would be to take her to different churches and spiritual centers and to explain this way as much as possible about each religion and why we have chosen to live without religion and what we believe.
I know I over-think things, but this is who I am and I can’t help it.
Another question that runs through my head is if I should take another university class before March. The class would be finished right on the day of Leyla’s birth. I still haven’t really started to buy things like baby furnisher or other things for her room and her life in this world. We have some little outfits for her and a stroller with car seat. I realize that we will need a few more clothing items, diapers, a bed, and a few other things. I also would like to paint her room, as it is currently painted in a very cold blue. My other wish is it to start reading and educating myself on babies, their developmental steps, their physical needs, and other things. The other goal I had before she is coming is to reflect on some of my harsh and askew core beliefs about family ties and families. Again I am extremely critical and my critical voice seems only to confuse and to hurt myself. I hope so much not to transfer all this pain onto her. Throughout my entire therapy times I have solved some of these issues and knots, but they seem to tighten up again and again, especially if I feel lonely. Another aspect that factors into my decision about another class has to do with a few upcoming visits in January. First Eva will come for a weekend and than Barbara for a week from California. I really want to have time for both of them and not be half the time engrossed in my studies.
Other goals for the next 3 months are to find an Italian nanny, to find an Italian baby group, to intensify my Italian studies and to make closer contacts with people.
Oh, Leyla just moved up in my belly and I can feel her back and little bum right on top of my belly. These moments are so sweet and wonderful to me. I hope she feels well in her little house. It would be so amazing if she could remember all these experiences and tell us about them later.
I mentioned before that the choice and selection in baby things is overwhelming. It is so overwhelming to me that I feel unable to buy anything. We haven’t painted the room yet, we haven’t bought any baby furniture, and we haven’t made a decision on many other questions.
I think I am ready to order a set of cloths diapers after I have researched them since 6 months. I have decided on a brand called bumgenius. These diapers are all-in-one diapers that can be worn by the baby from 8-35 lbs. This means that there is no need to buy three different sizes over the years. The entire system of 24 diapers will cost around $400. I think this is reasonable compared to the cost of throw-away diapers.
The last few nights I got very nervous regarding all these upcoming changes. This really has thrown my dreamy and wonderful sleep pattern off. Even kleine Leyla seemed affected by it all and danced in my belly all night with sidekicks at a very fast pace. It is amazing to me to feel that she is picking up on my internal turmoil. I think it might be related to all these hormones that I produce when I get nervous. I stated to engage in my favorite activity to clear my head and this is list making. This way I planned my last 56 hours for my Bachelors Degree, the shopping list for baby items, the gift registry for my upcoming baby shower form the squadron, and all the other have tos that are crawling through my mind.
Rick just came home (nice and early tonight 21:30 hours) and took a few more pictures of my belly. Well, it is unbelievable how much she has grown. The thought of three more month of growth process seems already a bit scary. There doesn’t seem to be more room left.
Oh, I also will attach a picture of Susann, Carrie and I. It was taken in October at Greg and Nicole’s wedding.
I have been very occupied with so much writing for a class of mine on Stress and Health that I denied this blog for a while. This is why I would like to post some older pictures first and later some of the new ones.
This picture shows me and my belly around 20 weeks.
This picture was taken at around 22 weeks.
Here is the first photo of Leyla.
This is a picture of me with Leyla inside at the 25th week.
It is an amazing feeling to have a little person inside of me that grows and develops with every new day. I have to admit that I am already quite in love with her. The bonding seems to have started since I can feel her moving around inside. Currently I try to distinguish a pattern in her activity. She seems relatively quiet over night. In the evening I play the Moonlight Sonata from Beethoven to her and afterwards we fall asleep. Even though I wake up every two hours to go to the toilette, have I never experienced better sleep. Around 9 am Leyla gets active and twirls around and her little limbs knock at my belly with some erratic fashion. From than on she has such an episode almost every hour and all calms down in the afternoon around 15:00. The next time of activity seems to begin around 18:00 or 19:00 and continues until 22:00. It is amazing to see that there is some pattern to her activity levels. Her kicks also get stronger with every day and I sometimes can see her moving around as my belly changes shape. Once I felt her little head at the side of my belly poke out. This was a rather strange experience.
My dreams have gotten very vivid and realistic. Last night i dreamed that her face and profile were visible though the skin of my belly. She pressed her face into my belly and I could see her. I am so curious to hold her for the first time and to see her. What kind of personality might she have? What will she look like? In only 15 weeks we will find out who she is.
Today I watched a short film on a beautiful water birth. In all honesty, it was so beautiful that I started crying and couldn't stop. There might have been some hormonal influence, but my recent mood has been very even tempered and calm. So crying episodes or extreme emotions are not usual for me.
Enough baby talk. I can imagine that it is not all too interesting for everybody.
We went to Milan over this Thanksgiving weekend. I enjoyed the big city feel to it. This is something I really miss here in this area, enjoying the opportunities of a city. More and more I realize that I am not a country person. I enjoy occasional walks, fresh air, and quietness, but cafes, restaurants, people, and lights seem to be more interesting to me. We actually aborted our MIlan trip early, because on our second day there it started to snow very heavy. The weather forecast predicted more of this weather and we decided to leave one day earlier than planned. Just this one day of cafes, shops, people, and life was enought to refuel my reserves.
Oh, my belly is growing and I can feel every fiber stretching and pulling. Before we are off to the US tomorrow I just wanted to post at least one picture of my current belly size.
I hardly have any time with Rick so that I had to take the picture myself. It might not be as nice, but it shows the obvious.
Well, I also started to gain some weight and made it by now to 134.6 pounds. This is the most I have weighed in a long time and it in all honesty the weight gain is the hardest part of the entire process. I am prone to stretch marks, as my skin is not the thickest. This is also true in a literal sense, like my skin, so am I a very sensitive person that is prone to markings ;).
I actually spoke to my doctor about weight gain during pregnancy and he said that it is best to start with the weight gain from the 20th week onwards. Some recent studies have even found that the set weight gain limits for women during pregnancy might be a bit too high. Anyhow, it is all happening and I am also so excited that I am happy to ease my way into this extra weight on my body.
It seems that we have stated to get so much more busy. Rick works basically 12-14 hours a day from Monday to Friday and I go to school four times a week. My day off is Friday and I really enjoy the slower pace of a day like this. Even our weekends are often packed with one or two mandatory social engagements.
Last weekend our little town of Sacile had a food festival. It was very nice to see all these people out and about tasting wine and food. We had some very delicious gnocchi and a little bit of a pig. Almost every booth had an extra long roasted pig. I still don't know how they got this poor animal long and round like a sausage. It tasted delicious. Here are some pictures:
At the moment we have an amazing autum weather. The sun shines every day and it actually has gotten quite warm again. The leaves are golden and red and a specific tree is blooming. These flowers smell like a sweet dessert, a sweet dream, or anything else sweet imaginable. When I ride my bike, which I did again today, on the country roads the smell just shoots up my nostrils and I can't get enough of it. I haven't found out the name of the tree yet. We have one right in front of our house.
My Italian level 1 class will be over next week on Wednesday and I already signed up for the second level. So far I am able to order food, introduce myself and actually understand more and more every day. It is fascinating how quickly I seem to be able to pick up this language. I think it helps that I study a little bit every day. I only hope that I will find an Italian friend soo, who is willing to speak in Italian with me. I might put an advertisement in the newspaper.
Last weekend it was also Rick's birthday and we went to Piancavallo, which is a small ski resort only 50 minutes from our house. We hiked for a little bit around, but it was actually too cold up there. The night before they had some snow and I wasn't dressed warm enough. I also had again one of my 24 hour headaches, which didn't help.
I have to admit that I still haven't found a friend. I miss someone with whom I feel connected and don't feel I have to adjust my behavior in order to make a friendship happen.
Finally I found a playlist that allows me to post all my favorite songs of my past on this blog. These are obviously only a few of those favorites. I like to listen to them now and then as they remind me of my roots and my teenage times. Since my live has been so far removed from everything that I have grown up with it is sometimes a nice thing to remind myself of this past. My father will love Janis Joplin and the Stones. These were the all time favorites in our household. I am actually a very quiet person and get easily overloaded with sensual triggers such as music or other noises. This morning I actually thought that I am often very quiet and hardly ever speak during the day. Than I thought that the baby is about to take in sensory triggers, such as my voice or other sounds from the outside. If I remain so quiet she won’t be stimulated at all and might even wonder if she is alone in this world. This brought me to the new commitment to at least tell the baby once a day what I am up to or to read something out loud. This is my life as a woman who loves to be alone and who is easily content with self-involved activities.
Back to past memories: I can imagine that once our baby is here, we both will actually have enough reminders of our pasts. A little person presumably retriggers many personal memories. They might be even non-verbal memories of our own past. Even though it is clear that the first two years of our lives pass and leave no actual memories, as we are in the blissful state of childhood amnesia. But another truth is that we have merely emotional associations and memories from this time, but we are unable to put words to those memories. The first year is apparently one of the most crucial stepping-stones of our lives. Here we form our personal attachment style that will follow us all the way into all of our wonderfully confusing and difficult relationships with other human beings. Once we know our attachment styles we are a few steps ahead in understanding why our relationships are the way they are.
A securely attached person has usually no fear of being left or betrayed. He/she is trusting and feels safe in this world. It is easy for these people to be emotionally close to others and they tend to have a high regard for themselves and their loved ones. This category truly fits Rick. He has this ability to cut through all these emotional confusions and can be present with me as his loved one even in the face of high emotional distress. What a gift for me to have such a person in my life and as the father of our baby.
A person who is anxious-preoccupied attached always seeks intense intimacy with others, but struggles with getting actually truly close to others. They actually feel very good with being alone, but seek at the same time intense intimacy and responsiveness of their partners. All this leads to a high dependency on their partners and to difficulties in trusting their partners. People with this attachment style are unable to see their own worth as partners and show high emotional expressiveness and worry. Well, if you have read some of my blog entries you will easily recognize me in this description.
If you are interested in the other two forms of attachment styles please read this link. It describes attachment styles very simply.
Well, back to the first year of live. This seems to be such an important time and truly sets the stage for our ability to love and connect. What could be more important?
A while back in England I was given the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu. Two of the passages of this ancient text have remained with me since a long time. I thought I share them with you. Here they are:
1) Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich. If you stay in the center and embrace death with your whole heart, you will endure forever.
This one has crept up again recently as I was thinking about and discussing death with Rick. Strangely enough is death something that does not frighten me. I don’t believe in an afterlife or any better place after I leave this earth. I remember one day as I child: I was standing on a grass hill and thought about the endlessness of non-existence. It was around the time my grandfather died. I did not feel any grief and think I felt guilty about this. In my mind I only could see that he has reached endlessness in nothingness and I thought about this more and more. Endlessness and nothingness felt suddenly like the total freedom to me. Death is in my view just a normal part of the living process that can be observed throughout nature on a daily basis. Everything that is alive will naturally die. I often find that we as humans give through our thinking our own life too much importance. For example, I currently hold a place in this world and in the relations I have with people. Once I make space through my death this place is easily filled with a new human being. I guess this is what I want to come back to: I don’t see my existence as worthier or more important than others' existence. I often experience this when I move to another place. Not that I am not unique as who I am. I think of all of us as unique, but there is no one who is more unique. This is a mere mind construct. I create this uniqueness of one special person and think that he or she is more deserving than others, just because this person happens to be close to me. This creates demanding and haughty expectancies that are unrealistic. On the other hand this is what our "fenced in backyard", "this is mine" society is based on. There is always someone who knows better or is somehow worthy of something that no one else is. What is it with our thinking? It also reminds me of the fundamental attribution error (FAE). Here is an example: I sit in a car and think I am the best driver in this world and anybody else is in my way and makes all the mistakes. It is them and not me. They all must know that I am important and happen to be in a hurry. I therefore am in the right in my mind. This is the same thinking process the person in the car in front of me has. Well this thinking does not bring us anywhere and might even lead us in an extreme case into our own grave.
2) If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are.
The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast. Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.
Juhu, I met someone I clicked with. It is surprising even to myself to see how excited I am about this turn of events. It all happened this week at a “wives’ coffee”. For all the ones who are not sure what the “wives’ coffee” is, here is a short explanation: Every month the commander’s wife organizes a wives’ meeting, which actually tends to be held in the evening and no one drinks coffee. At these meetings the host offers some food and drink and the commander’s wife provides all of us with the schedule and dates of our husband’s whereabouts. This part is a little confusing for me, as I have no idea when the weekends and days such as Columbus Day, President’s Day, Halloween, or Thanksgiving are. On all these days something is organized either for all of us or our partners are gone somewhere and we organize trips for ourselves. The god thing about such meetings is that they give us newcomers a chance to get to see and connect to most of the wives. This is where I met Jordana. She is half Irish and half Canadian. I met with her on Friday for coffee and it was so refreshing to be able to talk to someone that I feel on some level related to. She has been here a while longer and speaks some Italian, is not at all shy with strangers, and seems to be very joyful. What a delight.
Rick made recently an observation about me in interaction with others that was a wee bit difficult to accept but rings somehow true. He said that my intensity in turns of seeking instant connection and intimacy with my conversations partners is something that drives others who are not accustomed to face truth or their own emotions into the corner. He said that it is almost as if two opposite poles are created that repulse each other. Repulse in this context is not to be taken literally as a form of disgust. It is more like two people have given it a try and after a short wile there is no more interaction possible. This is exactly what I felt like on all of our recent socializing events. For myself, as someone who wants to be seen it is crucial to have intense connections in order to feel well with a group of people this is hard to accept. I don’t want to believe that my intensity is driving people away.
Since yesterday I have developed a splitting headache. It lingers around since over 24 hours and I feel very affected by it. I read in one of my pregnancy books that this is the time when the placenta starts to fully take over its function as the life source for our baby. Right now my body produces more than normal progesterone. Progesterone has apparently the side effect of dilating blood vessels. This causes not only constipation, an unwelcome truth about pregnancy, but also headaches.. If they won’t subside I will call my nurse advisor on Monday morning.
I started to have a little protrusion above my pubic bone a while ago, This one has popped out even more and the rest of my belly above is also pushing out. It always has pushed its way into freedom, but now it is non retractable. I like it quiet a bit. I haven’t gained any extra weight as yet and still have to regain what I have lost in the 1st Trimester. My current weight is 130.2 pounds. Before I got pregnant I weighed 133 pounds. From now on I should have a 1-pound increase per week.
My most recent craving is Black Bean Hummus. This is a recipe from Susann, my mother in law. I actually like to think of her as my 4th mother. The term mother in law sounds like someone mean in my ears; a bit like the expression stepmother, which I also have. I also call her my mother. I think you can’t have enough of these mothers around. I have changed Susann’s recipe up a bit and since a few days I can eat one pot per day of this delightful stuff. Here is the recipe:
2 cans of Black Beans (drained, but keep water for later) 1.5 Tbsp Olive Oil 0.5 Tbsp Sesame Oil Salt for the taste Garlic powder for taste (not too much) Lemon Juice
Blend beans, add oils, salt, garlic powder, add lemon juice depending on desired consistency add some of the drained bean liquid.
Another aspect of expecting a new person is specialized baby equipment. I did not expect this too be too difficult, but I was mistaken. In our consumer oriented society we have an endless array in choices that is rather off-putting for someone like me who like to make spare of the moment decisions. The mere decision regarding diapers for example turns out to be a mystery for a novice like me. There are several options, materials and diapering systems in existence. Starting with the normal plastic diaper from brands like Luvs, Pampers, etc, which I would like to avoid to reusable diapering systems that make use of different materials and techniques. Yes, the traditional folded cloth still exists. This can be found pre-folded, unfolded, made out of hemp, cotton, or other interesting materials. Than there are the highly elaborate systems that make use of pads made from a vast array of materials in many different thickness grades. These diapers are shaped like the common plastic pampers but are made of water resistant materials or organic materials.
This is just the diapering system. Well, I won’t go into more details, but there are combination strollers, slings, backpacks, prams, car seat integrated strollers, cribs that are accessible or non-accessible, sleeping wraps, nursing slings, nursing pillows, breast pads, pregnancy pillows, nursing blankets, clothes, pacifiers, early learning systems, music, toys, etc. It is eeeeeeendless. I think that the industry of baby products is very similar to the wedding business. They know that there is a lot of money easily accessible by appealing to the already emotionally confused parents. Why wouldn’t we want to have all the best stuff for the most loved and precious person in our lives? Entire baby registries, baby showers, baby parties, special outfits for the coming home day exist. It all sounds a bit like wedding to me. If we would buy into all of these things, we would be in debt in no time. I hope to find as many things as possible used, except the diapers.
Recently I went to a course from the air force hospital that explained all the existing preparation courses for parents. The most interesting part was the explanation that most of the baby toys on the market sound appealing, but are in actually useless and even hindering a good development of the baby. I am glad about this hospital here. Most of the courses sound very interesting and I am excited and thankful to have access to them.
It has been such a long time since I had access to the Internet that I would like to start to reconnect with everybody over the blog. Yes, the Internet is up and running, we have a phone number that I will send by email, but no hot water yet. This means cold showers on the weekend and otherwise showers on base in the gym.
Recently I have written many long emails that actually were relatively repetitive from my perspective. From now on I won’t have so much time to write all these details several times a week. So, I hope you can understand that I will make again more use of this form of communication. I know it is maybe not as personal, but I hope that the personal discussions can be cut short from daily activity reports.
So, we are finally in our new house and we continue to have a few little projects that we work on to perfect the already perfect living comfort. I feel very lucky that we have found this house. It is so open and friendly that it somehow makes me happy to just wake up here. We have managed to bring so many nice colors into the house. Still there is a lot of red with a wonderful addition of rich oranges. My friend Barbara would say that we have moved from the root chakra phase of our relationship to the sacral chakra phase. The root or also called base chakra is represented by a deep red and helps to gain an ability to work lovingly on the physical plane. The sacral chakra, which is represented in the color orange sits just above the base chakra and helps to utilize creative forces in all aspects of being.
Front of the house:
I have to admit that my state of mind is still a little bit more on the depressed side. My outlook is by far not as positive and open-minded as it once was. I still feel very lonely, as I haven’t yet met another woman I can really connect with. This is an aspect in my life that creates such neediness that it taints all my other perceptions of life around me.
Back of the house:
The Italian class has started and it moves very slowly. I am frustrated with the unpreparedness and inability of most of my classmates. We spend a lot of money for this university level class that actually moves slower than any other community college class, because the people in my class have no incentive or interest in showing some self-initiative. Yes, this way of thinking is actually a good example of how I move about in the world currently: judgmental, critical, and closed hearted. I honestly have no idea what might help me to reverse this perspective. Maybe someone has an idea or other form of insight that might help.
I am not sure if all the pregnancy hormones in my body have also an impact on my emotional state of mind. I actually feel so much better than I did in the first 12 weeks. The nausea is gone and I have developed a small little bump just above my pubic bone. Last week I had a very detailed ultrasound scan that actually helped me to connect with our baby so much more. This scan was intended to find out what the risk of Down syndrome in our baby is. The results are very positive. The nuchal band is very thin, all body organs are well developed, and the spinal canal is closed. This means that even though I am 36 years old the risk of having a child with Downs is that of a 20 year old. The statistics state that around age 20-24 the risk is approximately 1 in 1600 and around the ages of 35-39 it is approximately 1 in 220. This shows that the risk dramatically increases with age. But back to what we saw in the scan. We saw a little person with a small face, 10 fingers and 10 toes, a little rib cage, and a heart that still pumps at an amazing rate of 165 beats per minute. When the scan started that baby was asleep and then it suddenly woke up, stated to move and turn and the best thing was when it moved its little fingers in front of its face. There is more exciting news. The dottore asked us if we want to have an idea what the sex of the baby might be. He said he could give us a 70% assurance that we will have a girl. Oh, I was just beaming when I heard this. My whole body felt suddenly a bit more swollen and I felt the joy and the heat radiating from my body. This was one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced. It is indescribable to suddenly see a small human being growing inside of my body. What a miracle.
As some of you might imagine, I am already busy reading a really good book about parenting. Laura Davis and Janis Keyser are the authors. The title is: “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.” It doesn’t spread one single approach, but rater reflects on most of the parenting ideas that exist and helps me, as the reader, to reflect on my own personal values and helps to understand the developmental steps and difficulties of children. I suddenly realize how much work and frustration is hidden behind the growing process of us humans. I think that becoming a parent will be one of the most challenging and also rewarding experiences. I am sure that it will help me personally to grow and change on so many levels. In a way it is a growth process of the child and the parents. I like the idea that we (Rick and I) as parents are not the ones who has to know it all and to teach all these “important” things about life, but that we as parents get to reevaluate our personal growth and approaches presumably even on a daily basis. One aspect the authors emphasis on is that observation, listening, and letting the children go through their learning steps within a safe network. I already can see how my impatience, perfectionism, and isolation tendencies will be challenged once a third person has entered our circle or love.
I just found out that one of my dear friends in California is pregnant and I actually wish so much we could live closer together, so that we could give each other support. She is one of these people that has supported me in my personal processes so much and I have learned many things from her. My hope and dream: To find one or two women that are willing to grow together with me and who are willing to give and receive support.
It has been far too long since I have written an entry in this blog. I am unfortunately unable to upload pictures, because the Internet connection here is too slow.
The last few weeks were a bit exhausting, physically as well as emotionally. The wonderful piece of news I have to share with all of you is that I am now 9 weeks and a few days pregnant. This time around I feel very affected by this pregnancy. There is an extreme tiredness, an almost continuous nausea (yes, all day long with only a few short breaks), hunger attacks, slight emotionality, and general exhaustion. Now, all these side effects sound as if this is pure torture, but I can guarantee you, it is not. To me all these symptoms tell me that my little baby feels well inside of me and that my body produces all the right hormones to protect this little person inside of me.
A few days ago I had an ultrasound scan and it was actually amazing. The embryo has already a little head, lies upside down, has some bone structures, and leg and arm buds. It looks like a little teddy bear in the pictures. The most fascinating part was the heart beat. Its little heart is pumping at an astonishing rate of 190 bpm. This is apparently unusually high, but nothing to worry about.
So far I haven’t been too stressed out about potential future changes and parenting questions. All of you, who know me well, might know that I tend to over think many things and can turn into a worry worm that cannot let go of all these thoughts. I guess I have been too preoccupied with establishing a new life here in Italy.
We have found a wonderful house in Sacile, a small town with approximately 30.000 inhabitants. It has a little garden, no neighbors (the houses next to us are unoccupied), is very big, has many windows, shines from the inside with modern features, such as wood floors, a new kitchen, and three bathrooms. This is the biggest house I have even lived in and I can see that it might be easy to get lost in it.
I am just glad that we are fortunate to live in a town instead of in the countryside. I am much more of a city girl and the countryside induces some form of depressive state in me. Even though it is beautiful and it might be wonderful to have fresh air and quietness, to me it means no coffee shops, no changes, no variety of people, and foremost no options and choices.
Within the last few days I have met some military people and friends of Rick plus there families. After these encounters I felt lonelier than ever before. It is a fact that I am too different to these people for us to be able to relate on a comfortable level. This is my biggest wish, dream, and need at the moment: I WANT TO FIND A FRIEND THAT I FEEL CONNECTED TO! On the 25th of August my first Italian class with my university starts, which means that I will meet a new set of people. My absolute priority is at the moment to learn Italian within he next 7 month so that once the baby is here I can make use of Italian facilities for support and potential friendships with other Italian women.
Some form of mind numbing sleepiness has crept up on me. It migt be the crazy weather here in Dortmund. I am so cold that I cannot live without scarf, heating blanket, down duvet, wool coat, and undershirts. It is cold and rainy. Rainy as a word seems not strong enough to describe the masses of water that pour out of the German heavens. My daily activities circle around sleeping, sport, more sleeping, and reading. It is very enjoyable to have all this rest and I feel as if I redevelop into the egg; my body and face are looking younger by the day. href="http://bp3.blogger.com/_ysZ_GSsT16E/SIWKoYPfeNI/AAAAAAAAAS4/5pwpb21jskQ/s1600-h/018.JPG"> I have also taken part in some activities that required me to get up and visit some people or to strik up some conversations. For example my brother's 39th birthday forced me out of bed. At first I was abit reluctant, as the rain made the face of the earth so uninviting. Eventually I had a nice time with his friends and him. He is a good piano player, which is a mystery to me. I also had extensive piano lessons when I was a child and nothing stuck with me. M talent is non existent, while my brother just sits down and plays a raving Boogie-Woogie without thinking.
Last night we had a wonderful evening with almost all of my family. My husband, mother and my brother were missing in order to say that my entire family was present. All the family of Heidi was present which is also my family.
We had a delightful dinner. Heidi made a delicious coconut soup with various ingredients that we were adding ourselves. There was chicken, king prawns, small prawns, rucola salad, spring onions, rice, and chilipeppers.
I always enjoy these evenings with all of them. Here are somepictures of all of us and some more German rock by Stefan Stoppok. I have to admit that my best friend at home (who is right now in a shipping box)is also called Stoppok. It is my little brown bear. I will take a picture of his brother here in Dortmund. My father has the same, but his bear has been washed several times and loved by Kater, who is the Papa Peter's old cat. He died one or two years ago. Here is the picture of Stppok's brother:
Here is a link to the music of Eva's boyfriend Uwe (Jimi Berlin). I really like and enjoy this music. You can google him and listen to many more songs. I think it is great German rock.
Time flies and I have already arrived in Dortmund, where I will stay until the time comes to move to Italy. I am staying with my father and Heidi and it is nice to finally hang my clothes again. The only downside is the miserable weather. It is cold (18 degrees celsius) and rainy. I haven't seen the sun today, but it still might come through one of the thik layers of clouds.
First some pictures and impressions of Trier and Germany. In Trier I stayed with my long term friend Eva. We have met during our training as nurses in the very Catholic Brueder Krankenhaus in Trier. This is already over 10 years ago, when we were drilled by the brotherhood in their brown robes. We have managed to stay in touch over this time and through times of distance. I am proud of this friendship, as she is my longest friend that I have ever had in this world. Eva, thank you for being my friend for so long. We both have changed over the years and it is always fascinating to see each other again.
In Trier we had a few nice days. One night we went to a party of one of Eva's friends. I had so many good and intense conversations, which I realiyed is one of the beautiful things about Germans. Their willingness to be intense and questioning. I felt genuine interest, genuine intensity, and generally I felt at home and understood. It was fascinating to me that it could be so easy to be in interaction with others. I guess the people that accumulated at this party had something in common and that their interesting and interested natures were not accidental. The common factor is a circle of friends that has formed over years. It was just nice for me to feel this familiarity in thought and willingness to share that I sometimes have missed desperately in the US. It is one of the most difficult things for me not to be able to understand a person's social background or interests. In Germany this all comes very natural to me.
On the other hand many aspects of interhuman connection exist that I absolutely struggle with. I was unfortunate to observe some of my favorites over the last couple of days. There is something teacherlike about us Germans that is somehow difficult for myself to live with. We seem to know many things if not almost everything and how it has to be done. As with everything else in life this has several sides to it and can be positive as well as negative. The ever-present interst of German's in world events and domestic issues creates a society that is exceptionally well informed and educated on many different levels. This can be a bit intimidating to me, when I hear someone tell me stories about things that I have never heard about. This knowledge can also lead people to lecture or to be unwilling to accept another person's opinion. It is very quickly that a German conversation partner looks at you sternly and says "No this is wrong." There is not much of a softness of friendliness in the tone of voice. Many things are also not accepted and questioned. This is again a good aspect as it maintains critical thinking and could potentially prevent people to become blind followers. The worst case of interference in the lives of others is the teacherlike knowingness of how to behave in society. I have, over the last few days, observed people making coments about other people's behavior in a way that the person talked about will get the hint. This is in my view the worst from of communication that exists. One example was a young woman in the train who had a phone conversation on a mobile phone with someone. She spoke at a normal level of loudness, which is loud for German standards of quietness and respect in public places. At one point there was a loudspeaker announcment on the train that listed all the following stops and welcomed the new passangers. Suddenly a woman in the wagon made a very rude and loud comment about the behavior of the other woman on the phone. She said: "It would be nice if one could understand what the announcer has to say and if one could understand his or her own word. Some people seem to be just plain rude and respectless, bla, bla, bla... ." Instead of asking this woman directly if she could speak a bit quieter this woman felt she would make a difference by yelling something rude in the air. This behavior lets all my hairs rise and makes me ashamed to be a German. I observed other interferences from people in public. The typical is riding the bike through town, or crossing a walkway at red, or throwing a chewing gum on the road. These behaviors are unacceptable in Germany and will be policed by society through rude comments indirectly about someone. I think that the dirct involvement of people in the functioning of society is not at all a bad thing, but when it is done in such a passive aggressive way it is just plain rude and has actually the opposite effect. Now I would like to say that I am not entirely free from such behavior and I remember anger attacks that I expressed through comments under my breath about someone into the nothing of the world. It was a lesson for me that I leaned through my teacher like fellow Germans. I wish not to behave this way in this world. Something new to learn! Yipee!!
As I mentioned in the entry before, I am currently here in Dettingen. This is the first time in many many years that I honestly can say that I wouldn't mind if Rick and I would move back to Germany for a few years. I had several very lovely encounters with people on the train, in the streets, and during my run this morning in the forest. I would have never thought I would truly think that Germany is a wonderful country. It actually is! The air is so gentle and warm at the moment, which probably helps. The way life is conducted in Germany is so familiar to me and I feel as if I have come home for the first time. The water in the shower is so smooth and leaves my hair nice and shiny. The food is healthy, the bread is undoubtably the best ever, and even the people are very nice and interesting.
My friend Katja, whom I know since 10 years from our nuring education works in a home for severly disabled people. Most of their patients are too young to go into a home for the elderly. Their youngest patient is 18 years old. All of the patients have had a normal life previously and have ended up in a wake coma or with sever disabilities through various accidents. It is a well run care home that belongs to Katja's sister. Yesterday morning I was able to refresh my nursing skills and worked for a few hours together with Katja. It is actually a very rewarding work, but extremely draining work. The hardest part for me is to keep a conversation going even though the patients cannot at all or only through eye movements respond. They also have a Turkish patient who got injured during his work on a building site. He is about 35 years old and can still respond with facial expressions. When I spoke a bit Turkish to him his eyes opened very wide and he even smiled. It was so nice to see his surprise and astonoishment.
As a reward Katja, Jule, Nele, and I went to a straewberry field next by after work and picked a few buckets full of the sweetest and freshest strawberries. We had strawberry quark for dinner, which is one of my favorite dishes from the past. This was followed by a little Kneipp foot bath around the corner. Kneipp was a a German priest who also was one of the founders of the Naturopathic movement. He develooped the Kneipp cure which is a form of hydrotherapie to strengthen the body's own resistance and immunity. The cure implements water in different temperatures and pressures to achieve this healing and strengthening of the body. We only had leg and arm soaks in ice cold water.
The last few weeks have passed so quickly. After having left Arizon I flew to Bordeaux in France. Here was the wedding of my friends Charlie and Jim. It is almost impossible to describe this event in words appropriate enough to truly capture the physical and emotional pleasure this event has brought to so many people. In all honesty this was one of the most beautiful weddings or even parties I have ever seen. Yes there weren't many weddings in my life but parties.
Charlie's parents have an old country stone house in Listrac, which is located north west of Bordeaux. It is famous for the obvious - its wine. Her parents were able to accommodate many guests in and around their house. Some people had a tent in their garden, some stayed in the neighbors house and I was so lucky to get a little glass garden house. It was so cute and overlooked their garden. Charlie decorated it with curtains, a bed, and a small table with mirror. Just perfect for me, the person who likes to have a bit of space to withdraw inbetween.
The actual wedding was just extraordinary. Charlie and Jim had their ceremony at the village's "Mairie" (city hall). Charlie came down the road with an amzingly beautiful wedding dress in black that she decorated with a self-made necklace, and a pink stola. When her father and her came down the road it was amazing to feel this emotional buzz around me. People were clapping so hard and were so excited for them.
After a simple ceremony all of us went back to the house and the party began. It started with some champagne that was accompanied by foie gras, fresh oysters, different fishes, bread, and smoked ham. These amuse gueule (amuse bouche)truly amused our palates and were just right to start the appetite for the next amazing courses that were about to follow.
Once all of us set in the open tent (80 people) charlie's father held a wonderful speech and sang even a few songs for the couple. It was really funny and touching. He is a truly warm hearted man as is actually her entire family. It was an interesting mixture of people. I would say half friends and half family. The family was half English and half French.
Well the first course of the meal was a semi raw salmon tartar with some rucola salad. After this it was my time to hold a speech. After a short tremor and trembling in my voice I actually felt very confident to speak. It was easy once I let my emotions lead the course and because I admire Charlie and Jim so much as a couple this wasn't too difficult. I was only glad that I was able to go first with my speech. After me Jim held a great speech and his best friend Ben followed with funny stories about their time together.
The next course on the menu was duck with a delicate potato gratin. This feast was followed by the most amazing chocolate selection that I have ever tasted. I can easily say that it has been a very long time since I had such wonderful food and actually wine. This experience makes me very excited to move to Italy the second country of a taste for food, coffee, and wine.
The evening ended with a dance party in the barn. The most beautiful about this wedding was the emotional presence of all these people that were present. Each time Charlie and Jim entered a place the entire wedding party applauded and showed visibly their joy and happiness for them. I loved this wedding.
From France I made my way back to Germany and have arrived in Dettingen, which is a small village close to Stuttgart. Here I am right now with my freind Katja and her two little girls.
I am currently reading a book on neural reprogramming. Neural pathways can be changed and formed at any stage of life. Several studies on the aging population have shown that the brain remains plastic well into old age. This basically means that our brains are able to create new neural connections and we are able to expand the amount of brain matter we use at all times. It therefore seems that our brains if we keep them engaged and train them everyday will not decline in its ability to perform. It has been found that especially older people that engage regularly in social connections, sports, or other activities are less likely to suffer from debilitating dementia. A good example for this aspect of aging is Rick’s grandmother, who at the age of 96 (I hope the age is correct) still works at a food pantry, makes a point of reading the newspaper daily, engages actively in family and social contacts, and has as her core belief that she doesn’t want to take up mere space in this world and wishes to contribute as long as she can. The brain is most plastic during the teenage years, which makes sense. At this stage of our lives our brains are running on high speed and create constantly new neural pathways. This is also the time when we form certain core beliefs and biases about others, the world, and ourselves. (All this information comes from my psychology classes and not from the little book I am currently reading). These core beliefs can unfortunately be very debilitating and hinder us in developing our full potential. In a recent post I noted that I have figured out that my intense physical reactions in certain situations with certain people can be named social anxiety. Well naming this uncomfortable feeling is by far not enough to tackle it. The above-mentioned book is a very thin, and easy to read book that is based on the idea of cognitive therapy. It is very straightforward and requires like anything else constant practice to be useful. It is not focused on social anxiety, but on any kind of annoyance we encounter during our daily interactions. The point of the entire program is to re-educate the neuronal pathways. Instead of traveling along the all to familiar path of anger, fear, desperation, or merely reaction, it is possible to choose a new path. The main point to keep in mind is that not a person or situation triggers our emotions but only our thoughts about them. Today I got to practice this new approach and have to admit that I struggled and was not very successful. Only practice and consciousness makes a master, hopefully.
The bike shop owner from whom we bought my new amazing bike is a man that triggers many uncomfortable responses in my body and me. The responses have actually nothing to do with social anxiety and more with anger and annoyance. He is disorganized, confused, talks like a twelve year old (the use of the word dude is excessive, as well as boss, man, or what’s up). Rick had his bike in for a little repair and we already knew that even if he gives us a time for pickup it might mean that we will have to wait for another hour or even day. He gets distracted with talking to the people around him and using the word dude. Rick called before we went in to make sure that the bike is ready. All was good and off we went. It turns out that he didn’t listen to Rick when he explained the problems of the bike that he even had written on his paper note. One of the brakes was dragging and was still dragging when Rick took it for a little spin. This delayed our stay by another 45 minutes in this shop. “Hey dude it will only take a second, no problem”. Now here we are, Rick’s nerves are made of steal, which might be because of his rigorous training in the air force camp. He remains calm, friendly and well mannered, while I get passive aggressive and annoyed. A good question to ask is why we give him our business. He has the only bike shop in our area and to get to the next shop would take more than 30 minutes by car. Given the constant annoyance and time delay, it might actually only be 15 minutes more of our time and less annoying. Anyhow, the book teaches to refocus the attention on a breathing pattern that can be made up at any point in time. The breath focus can either consists of labeling the breaths we take, such as innnnnn, hold, outtttt, etc. or it can be focused on breath counting or anything else having to do with breath. This refocusing on a new situation helps to re-pattern the neural pathway away from the annoyance with the person or situation to a natural relax and release response. Yes, sounds easy and simple, but it is not. I tried to focus n my breath, but the draw to my feelings of anger and judgment was too strong and appeared even to be much more interesting and familiar. I will continue to practice and see what happens. It is probably similar to anything else in life. I cannot go out and ride 50 miles for the first time in my life on a bike, but with practice and patience I might get to this point in no time.
I actually wanted to share a bit more about the social anxiety aspects as I had an interesting insight about it all, but will do so hopefully another time.
We went just for one night to Prescott, which is a little town just 100 miles away from Phoenix. The nice thing about this place is that it is about 10 degrees Fahrenheit cooler than here. We have hit the 110 mark last week and the thermometer is still climbing. In Celsius this is around 43 degrees. Nice and hot, just right for a long bike ride. This is what we did in Prescott, hoping it would be a bit cooler and somehow dreaming of tree lined mountain paths. Unfortunately was this to remain a dream in our heads and the sun was searing hot on our bodies. We rode a 55 mile round trip from Prescott through Skull Valley and back to Prescott. The overall elevation was around 3000 feet. (88 kilometer and 915 meter). It took us around 4 hours and 30 minutes with stops and it was a very hard ride mainly because of the sun. Rick had a little low point that he overcame with time and several back spasms that I his personal massage therapist got to work out. The amazing aspect about these rides is the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. Even though I felt very tired, I also felt the buzz of endorphins in my brain and some form of pride that I was able to survive this ride. Rick's and my dream is it to ride across America by bike once he retires from the Air Force. A ride of this length would have to be our daily distance in order to make it in a set time frame. I still cannot imagine to do something like this everyday but I guess with practice it will get easier. I am still a beginner on the road. My new bike by the way is an absolute dream. It is light as a feather and makes smooth summing and clicking noises when I switch my gears.
The evening in Prescott had even more to offer. On our way to dinner we came across a little wine place that also offered tea testing. We walked in for a refreshing glass of white wine. It turns out that the owners come from Scotland and Germany. The guy, his name was Claas grew up in Dortmund Dorstfeld and he was friends with Joschi and Michael, who are my half brothers through my fathers marriage with Heidi. The world is actually very small and coincidences like this make me smile. While I had a nice chat with Claas, Rick met an American couple who also served in the Air Force for over 30 years. He connected very well to these people. The nice part about these short encounters was that there were no strings attached and we were able to walk out after only 45 minutes of socializing and felt content with it. I had actually no feelings of anxiety or discomfort as I described them before in another blog entry. I think the reason is that I could immediately connect to the openess and friendlyness of the people in this little place.
The trip was an overall success and we had again so much fun together. The nice thing abut us us is that we operate at the same level of energy and speed. We both have a similar tolerance for social interaction. It is enjoyable for us for a while, but once it is over it is over and we both have no further need to extend it until we are completely worn out.
Rick and I have decided spontaneously to take a drive to Las Vegas for our 5th wedding anniversary. It was fantastic and I feel as if I have been gone for weeks. There is something so unreal about this place that it is very easy to feel completely removed from reality. We stayed this time in the Luxor Hotel and were extremely lucky as we got upgraded to a luxurious suite, which had a large bedroom, a lounge, and a wonderful bathroom.
I probably could write endlessly about this trip and will try to keep it short. We had three very different nights. Rick bought tickets for the Elton John show “The Red Piano”. This show is in the Caesar’s Palace Hotel and was truly amazing. He explained a bit about his songs and some of the songs had very personal videos in the background. It evoked my interest in his life and the next book on my list is one of his biographies. We had dinner before in a Sushi Restaurant. I love this food so much and alone for this reason I would love to live in Japan one day.
The other night, which was actually our first night, we went out dancing. The funny thing about this night was that we were drunk after only a few drinks. It was actually fun to be out to play. We went to a night-club in the Luxor called LAX. Our night was over around 2 am.
Our third day included an outlet shopping trip and a romantic dinner at a Hawaiian restaurant. We sat outside and had coconut flavored rice, seared tuna salad, and fish tacos.
Yes, all this was relatively decadent, but really so much fun. We both slept each night so long and deep as if we were catapulted from the planet for 12 hours. I think its because the rooms in these hotels can be completely darkened and the noise isolation must be perfect. It is like living an a little capsule in the middle of a never sleeping city.
While we lived in Vegas we sometimes booked ourselves into one of the hotels over the weekend and went to a show and spend the day by the pool. There is so much decadence in Las Vegas that it feels entirely normal to do these things. In other places I would be somehow ashamed to de these things. The waste of water, electricity, food, money, etc. is unbelievable an all this in the middle of the desert. I realized this time that many parts of the city now have plastic grass instead of real grass. This probably helps the water consumption, as the plastic grass doesn’t need to be watered extensively to keep it green.
The last thing I would like to share here is my love for Rick. On July the 5th we will have our fifth wedding anniversary and will have been a couple or at least friends (we had a little break in there) for almost 9 years. I would have never thought that I would be able to love a person so entirely without any inhibition or restriction. My life has become so wonderful with him in this world, in my world. We have gone through several difficult times, but have overcome these moments of doubt with an even stronger bond. Through his genuineness and love I have truly learned what love is and can be. It has even changed my love for my family and friends. Here is the song from Elton John that reminds me of our trip to Vegas and states exactly what I just wrote about Rick. “I hope you don’t mind that I put down into words how wonderful life is while you’re in the world” (Elton John, Your Song, 1970). Here is the You Tube link to it.
Yesterday we went to my favorite food store in America (Trader Joe’s). This store only sells tasty, fresh, and organic food for a bit less than other organic stores. I love most of their things, but my ultimate favorite is their “Goddess Salad Dressing”. It is made out of tahini, lemon juice, oil, sesame seeds, garlic, chives, soy sauce, and apple cider vinegar. This is our current dinner: a large salad with the goddess dressing, some grilled chicken and all wrapped in a whole-wheat tortilla. YAMMY!!!!
Anyhow, I lost my train of thought and got carried away with food dreams. I hate to think about the day I have to leave and say good bye to the goddess dressing. But then in Germany Heidi (my father’s wife) makes an amazing salad with a yogurt dressing that contains a delicious sweet chili sauce, which I haven’t seen or found anywhere else.
Back to Sun City: Already at TJ’s I saw many older people (80-90 years old). When we left the parking lot I realized where they all came from. We were right next to Sun City. This is a small community, I learned about only two weeks ago. We watched a film called “The Savages”, which by the way is very good. Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of the main actors and he also happens to be my favorite actor. Two single siblings have to take care of their aging and estranged father. This father happens to live in Sun City. When I saw this place in the film I thought it was a made up town to portray an extreme form of retirement community. It turns out that it wasn’t and that Sun City looks exactly as the film depicts it. The front lawns and trees are manicured to perfection, people ride around in their little golf carts, all the houses look the same as do the streets. Hence we got lost in the place and cruised around for 20 minutes. It looks as if the time has come to a stand still in the 60s. This is also the time when Sun City was built. It is a retirement community and older people tend to spend their winters in the dry and warm climate of Arizona and flee in the summer when it is nice and hot. It seemed a little dead there yesterday, but most of the suburb neighborhoods are kind of life less in the US. Occasionally it is possible to see someone in a little golf cart. The winter dwellers are also called “snowbirds”. I have some pictures of this strange place attached. Don’t forget to watch the film “The Savages”. It is really good and brings a lot of questions up regarding the future care for our parents.
I have been kind of busy with nothing in the last few days. It is hot, hot, and hot and I love it. The sun is searing my brain. In one of my psychology classes I learned that extreme heat could be an important trigger for aggression. First we need a frustrating situation and in order for aggression to arise we need an actual triggers, which could be extreme heat, wind, noise, weapons in sight, etc. I personally get easily agitated with too much wind and can hit my emotional limits in extreme wind. Heat is a bit easier for me to endure, but I can see that there is some truth to this theory. Everything is a bit harder in this heat. The short walk from the car to an over-air-conditioned place (it is as cold as in the fridge in buildings in the desert) can be very draining.
Anyhow, what has happened in these days? I realized something about myself and found the appropriate label for this problem. I don’t know why I have never thought of this before. My thinking about this issue was always far more complicated than it actually needed to be. I wish to share this insight here on my blog, in order to take the first step to tackle this problem. As many you know, I have always worked on my emotional well-being and it is a very important aspect of my life to reflect, to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings, and to learn from my mistakes. I truly enjoy this journey of self-discovery and hope it will always continue. The insight has come to me after a wonderful evening with my friend Erin in Monterey. Her personal insights brought something up for me that became much clearer over this weekend. After I have now introduced this whole issue without speaking it out here it is: I realized that I have a problem with SOCIAL ANXIETY. I know many of you might now think that I am crazy to think this. I often seem so well put together and confident. I have to say that I don’t experience this social anxiety with people that I know very well, people that I can easily relate to, or people that don’t intimidate me. How does it express itself? In contact with people that intimidate me on some level my entire body, but especially my nose, starts sweating profusely. My hands are cold, my heart beats when I have to answer questions, my voice becomes unnaturally deep, and controlled, and I cannot concentrate on what I want to say. This makes it difficult for me to express my ideas and insights freely, to listen to the things people have to tell me, and to concentrate on the situation. I would even describe these moments as a form of dissociation form the situation, which is coupled with an intense self-observation. I often described this feeling as going into a physical shock, wich it actually is: Fight or flight. The question is now, who are the people with whom this happens? First and foremost does any authority rigger this response in me. In my world an authority is represented by the police, professors, teachers, older people, high ranking military people, bosses at a job, rich people with an intense expressiveness, highly confident people, people that I assume have more general knowledge than I have, etc. These are the authorities in my world and mind. I would like to add that the definition of an authority is for all of us very different and my definitions have evolved though my cultural background as a German and though my upbringing in my family. Here in the US professors, teachers, police officers, etc. are not necessarily seen as authorities and rather as normal people that cater to the needs of the students or the public. These are not all of them and I have more distinct situations and people that trigger this uncomfortable response. There are the extremely beautiful people, people with an extreme confidence and loudness in their mannerism, very conservative people with good manners, and unfortunately often women that pose in my mind some form of threat to me. Well, yes, all this doesn’t sound so good about myself. I would rather present myself as being invulnerable, loving, confident, and strong, which I am in many situations, but in these particular contacts unfortunately not. Now I truly wonder how I even managed to get to know some people in the world that represent so many of the traits I just described. I think it is because I was able to relate to them on one or the other level. This weekend my low voice and sweat attacks happened again, while we socialized with some of Rick’s old friends. I have a hard time answering personal question. This is also interesting, given that I am the personal question master. Now I can see that many people might feel quiet uncomfortable with my intensity and intense attention towards them. I know that some people really enjoy this aspect of me. But for example my brother’s ex-girlfriend told him after some of our first meetings that she things that I am a strange woman and that I would represent in her mind one of these crazy self-help gurus from the US. I have to admit that she met me the first time after a very intense personal development journey that I had through a group process in Monterey. It might well be that I was a bit weird in my expressions. Anyhow this is what it is all about change, mistakes, practice, and learning.
I wish to become more aware of he specific thoughts that accompany the sweat attack and to try to reverse these thoughts. This is my believe: Our thinking creates our feelings. Only my thoughts about these people create my discomfort with them and not their strange behavior or their wrongdoing. I hope this part makes sense, because I think it is very crucial in this process. It would be maybe easier to go home after such an uncomfortable evening of sweating and to trash Rick’s friends as people that are “too conservative, too shallow, too loud, too….” There could be many things that I might think about someone in reaction to my discomfort and distress. I wish not to go down this path of gossiping about others just because I was uncomfortable.
If anyone knows what I am talking about, I would be curious to find ou what oyur triggers are. Love, love, love, and peace from Eva
It is amazing that even though I don’t work my days are full with errands. One thing that contributes to the use of time here in America is travel distances by car. In order to get from one place to another it is not unusual to sit for about 40 minutes in the car. Everything happens in the car in the US. We spoke about this yesterday. People eat in their cars, which is made even easier with drive through restaurants, coffee shops, ice cream parlors, etc. Even drive trough banks exists. They have the several bank machines lined up with access slits for people in big trucks and people in small cars. Another form of car life is doing business transactions in the car. Most people spend so much time driving that they do most of their business in their cars. I can imagine that most people have also lost their virginity in a car.
Yesterday I received my new road bike and I took it out for a spin this morning. Oh, it is amazing, so easy to ride and to handle. It weighs below 18 pounds, which makes it very efficient and fast. The paint on it is beautiful. It is black and has some very thin pink stripes in it. The saddle is white, which I still have to get used to.
It is nice and warm here in Arizona. The best thing about being back is to see Rick again. I can’t believe how much I missed him. We had such a nice day together yesterday. It started with a relaxed lunch at a restaurant called Rubio’s. It is a chain restaurant, which has wonderful fish tacos and fish burritos. We sat outside, ate, and looked into each other’s eyes. It was impossible to talk, as there were two women next to us that talked very excitedly and loudly into each other. Their conversation was so intrusive that it was impossible to not follow it. Their main topic was failed relationships and marriage stress. I really think that it is mainly about an inability to truly hear another person’s needs and an inability to listen. Without learning healthy forms of communication we are setting ourselves up to fail our relationships. This is my theory, which might be wrong for others, but has proven to be true in our marriage. One of my goals is it to develop an easily to understand and accessible communication class. A class that avoids using a terminology that sounds odd in many people’s ears. I think that we need regular classes for children in schools that teach good communication and boundaries. Without these tools we are truly doomed to fail in our mission to create strong relationships. When I watch television or observe myself in communication I am surprised how much we blame our uncomfortable emotions on other’s behaviors.
Back to our wonderful day yesterday: We actually didn’t do anything extraordinary and only the things we love to do. We had good food for lunch, coffee, and oatmeal raisin cookies in the afternoon, a little nap, and a film in the evening. It was so nice and so relaxing to spend my day like this with Rick.
Here are the other pictures of my trip to Carmel Valley:
This is my last day with Barbara and Ian and I am actually on my way to bed as I have avery early morning flight to catch. Before I leave this wonderful computer I wanted to post the pictures of Barbara and I that we took together. The other pictures from my camera will follow soon. Tonight we saw an amazing film directed by Helen Hunt. It was a recommendation by my friend Erin, whom I met while I was here. The title is: "Then She Found Me". I was crying through many scenes of this film. It was such a human and natural film. It touches on many intense subjects, but is not overloaded or overwhelming. Most of all the aspect of human relationships, human connection, love and touch have resonated within me. I loved it. Erin, thank you for this tip. It was so worthwhile!!!
Today is Saturday and I just had one of these amazing Barbara massages. How can I describe what is happening in these sessions. First of all. I feel totally safe, comfortable, and open to receive her work. I guess this is a good way of starting out a good session. I feel warm and loved on her table. I know that she holds no judgment over my body and honors it with all its flaws, aches, and struggles. One of her biggest gifts is in my view her fearlessness regarding bodies, humans, and feelings. There is nothing she is not able to address with a person on her table.
Well, the session today was a regular massage. She focuses on specific muscles and their attachments. I often find slow, deep work on the attachments and the body of the muscle most relaxing. The massage also incorporates a lot of stretches that are focused on specific muscles and very accurately placed without being uncomfortable. I find that stretches can be very badly done and agitate me more than anything. Every muscle feels worked After one part is finished I can feel the difference compared to the other limb or side of the body. It feels as if this part is expanded, squeezed, and much more pliable. Today she focused on my neck and held my head in a cranial hold for a few minutes. At this point I usually tend to drift of and have all kind of things surfacing in my head. Today I heard a baby cry and I suddenly realized that it was me when I was a baby. Tis certainly was a strange feeling. The second picture was just me exploring some kind of electronic device. I was so involved in this machine hat I felt myself become one with it. Once these strange things happen I twitch and my consciousness resurfaces back into reality. Ah, I am on the massage table in Carmel Valley with Barbara. I don't know why I wanted to share this experience. Maybe in order to make all of you go on a search for a good massage therapist, because this can be a very healing and nurturing experience, when it is done by the right person.
Here are some pictures of Ian and I on the mazing Mac machine:
I just arrived yesterday. It is beautiful here. The sun is out but it is cool and windy. Just the way I remembered this part of the world. What I am most curious about is that I have lived here for two years of my life and can certainly say that nothing really feels as if I have ever lived here. Yes, I know my way around, I recognize everything, but nothing means anything to me. One reason might be that I have been very internally focused when we lived here. I struggled a lot with relationship issues and myself.
It is wonderful to spend time with Barbara, Ian, and the dogs. Yesterday afternoon, Barbara had to work and I went for a long hike with the dogs in Garland Ranch. Both dogs are very beautiful and so easy to take out for walks. On every intersection they stopped and waited for me. They even led the way for me. I am often hopeless with finding my way around, especially in nature I had a small map and remembered some of the trails but still the dogs led me on some trails that I couldn't remember.
I am just sitting here on Barbara's computer, which is one of these amazing new Mac machines. It has a feature called photo booth, which is just amazing. I am able to take pictures of myself and do passport pictures. The built in camera allows the user to do video conferencing, to take pictures and to shoot little films.
Well, I just wrote several emails to friends. I am always amazed that I can even think of things to say to everybody without repeating myself. Now I would like to write something for this blog so that I can keep good memories of this time and I already feel as if I can’t think of anything new to say. I guess I censor myself much harsher on this forum than with emails to my friends. As if the world is so judgmental about my thought processes.
I am still in Phoenix and all is well. It is extremely hot (110 F), but bearable for my body. I actually love this heat. In all the shops the air conditioners are creating oversized refrigerators and it is always such relieve to get to warm my body up again outside. Today I went to a support branch of the USCIS to get my fingerprinting for my travel document done. These places are making me so nervous. It is the feeling of helplessness and uncontrollability that I don’t like. My future is in the hands of others. The entire process, even though it always turns out just right, is somehow mysterious to me. After a day of filling out forms, paying money, taking pictures, sending certified letters, etc. all falls into place with the help of my wonderful mother in law, many people that work for the USCIS, and Rick I have an amazing green card -, travel document -, and paperwork - support system. Thank you all for your hard work.
I have the feeling that me anxiety around this process also stems for my fear of authorities. I still remember when Rick and I went to the interview for my green card directly after our wedding in Sydney. We had to go through a metal control area first and the officer there asked me to turn around after I stepped through the metal control thing. I didn’t understand him and lifted my arms and did a little twirl for him. Rick was behind me and started laughing. Many more stories of this kind exist, where my nervousness in the presence of an “authority” has caused me to do the strangest things. It is as if my ears stop functioning, my brain switches off, and my mouth only produces some strange sounds.
Over the last week I got to know a woman, her name is Shannon, who lives only a few doors down from our hotel room. She is my age and even though we are very different in many respects, have we started some form of friendship. We walk every morning after my regular workout and have coffee together. Today we went to a nail salon and I had my first French manicure and true American pedicure. I got to sit on a huge cushy red seat that massaged my back while two women took care of my hands and feet. This was a very interesting experience. I actually am not the kind of person who feels good in a position, where others are at my service. I guess I will not do this again as it was not the most wonderful experience ever, but it was certainly worth a try. In a way I feel uncomfortable and strange to make use of these pampering services. I know this must sound funny out of the mouth of a massage therapist, who makes her money with exactly this form of work. I guess I just view my work as a necessity and a healing experience instead of a luxury. I always find it difficult to work on clients who view massage as a luxury instead of a way of investment in future health.
Tomorrow I am flying to Monterey and get to spend a few days with my dear friend Barbara and her husband Ian. I am very curious to spend some days with them in their house with the dogs (Morgan and Newman) and to take part in day-to-day life. It is always different to be the visitor instead of the host. While Barbara’s and my friendship developed we never got to live with each other. I think this is an important part of a friendship to learn about the habits and routines that make the daily life of a person. I certainly know that my distinct control habits are suddenly so much more obvious. Having a visitor also makes me more aware of the strangeness of some of my routines. It is as if I view myself through the eyes of another. For example, once while we lived in Carmel I had a very bad mood every morning. It was such a habit and I felt unable to get out of this grumpiness in the morning. Rick’s mum came for a visit and I was so set in my way of misery in the morning that I just told her what she could expect from me in the morning. Yes, it is true instead of trying to change or pulling myself together I created an opportunity to continue with my miserable mornings. It is a bit embarrassing and maybe even funny to think about this today. Nowadays I feel happy and joyful in the mornings no matter if it is before or after breakfast. So, this shows me that change is obviously possible and a good way to gain some insight into the own quirkiness is an open-minded visitor. After Susann left I was ashamed of my behavior and truly made an effort to change, which I managed to do. Most crazy behaviors seem only to be habits and not as I believed set in stone personality expressions.
Enough for today and more after my time away in “misty” California.
Here is one of my favorite songs from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californiacation. I actually never read the text. Here it is and I think it is actually very interesting. I have to admit that I don’t understand everything but at least the jist of it.
Californication Psychic spies from China Try to steal your mind’s elation Little girls from Sweden Dream of silver screen quotations And if you want these kind of dreams It’s Californication It’s the edge of the world And all of western civilization The sun may rise in the East At least it settles in the final location It’s understood that Hollywood Sells Californication Pay your surgeon very well To break the spell of aging Celebrity skin is this your chin Or is that war your waging Chorus: First born unicorn Hard core soft porn Dream of Californication Dream of Californication Marry me girl be my fairy to the world Be my very own constellation A teenage bride with a baby inside Getting high on information And buy me a star on the boulevard It’s Californication Space may be the final frontier But it’s made in a Hollywood basement Cobain can you hear the spheres Singing songs off station to station And Alderon’s not far away It’s Californication Born and raised by those who praise Control of population everybody’s been there and I don’t mean on vacation Chorus Destruction leads to a very rough road But it also breeds creation And earthquakes are to a girl’s guitar They’re just another good vibration And tidal waves couldn’t save the world From Californication Pay your surgeon very well To break the spell of aging Sicker than the rest There is no test But this is what you’re craving Chorus
Today we did our first bike ride here in Phoenix. We left relatively early as it gets quiet hot during the day. It was only a short one (20 miles) to the White Tank Mountain. It was nice to see again many Saguaro cacti. I love these beautiful plants. They are the state flower of Arizona and are at the moment in full bloom. The blossoms open during the night and close again around midday the next day.
Last night we had a short date night and went to a beer house called Gordon Biersch. I had a Hefeweizen beer and have to admit that I enjoyed it very much. I normally don’t like beer so much but this one is really refreshing and different.
I always loved the song “Imagine” by John Lennon. Here are the lyrics:
Imagine there's no Heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today
Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace
You may say that I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one
While I searched for the song to post it on my blog, I came across a video from “A Perfect Circle” with a remake of “Imagine”. I think it sends a powerful message and the lyrics are still very applicable to today’s world. I will always hope for a united world free of war, hate, hunger, competition, and suffering. I know that this is a very simplistic hope and not all to easy to achieve, but it is at least a positive wish that is embedded in my heart. This desire of peace and support has led me and will lead me in the future to live my life in a way that it promotes peace at least in my surroundings.
I am still in the process of adjusting to the US way of things. Yesterday I realized that I have to learn how to make small talk. It is very difficult for me to have these short conversations with strangers. Normally I am a person that people feel relatively comfortable with very quickly, but I get shy when it comes to striking up a little talk with a stranger. This shyness makes me sweat on my nose and takes away my breath. My body gets stiff and I feel uneasy, which is quickly picked up by my conversation partner. Rick observed this in me as being standoffish. I have no idea what the other person picks up, but I realize that my small talk never turns out very well. If the person is loud and outgoing I end up getting bombarded with words and if the person is uneasy as well we have the problem of discomfort, which might turn into subtle hostility.
The only solution I see is practice. This is also a new (old) thing I see in Rick. He was never the one speaking to people in Turkey and I did all the verbal organization of things. Suddenly I see Rick again striking up short conversations with people around him and find it very interesting to see him so engaged. There is another thing I discovered about Rick that I find very endearing. I often saw a small crinkle at the side of his left ear and thought that it might be dry skin. Now for the first time in 9 years I realized that the small crinkle only turns up when he smiles and does so only at his left ear. It is a very nice feature. He basically has three smiles: one around his mouth, another around his eyes, and a third one around his left ear. This is better than my three eyebrows. The things I discover just because we are again in a new surrounding are interesting and I am curious to find out more about him. I guess this is what I enjoy mostly about moving and living in new places. I learn new things about my partner and myself and our relationship with each other and ourselves always changes.
Rick started his course today and our holiday is over. My plan is to work out more and possible train towards something. I could increase my running time from 8:30 min per mile to 8:00 or I could increase my endurance, but I am not sure if this works well with running as my knees and ankles start hurting after only 50 minutes. Another thing I would like to do is to read some social science books. The bookstores here are very fascinating and it is so pleasurable to browse through them and have a coffee.
Last night we discussed our wills and wrote what we want for our funeral and how we want to dispose our bodies. It was quiet intense to talk about this and I had to cry a little because I cannot imagine a life without Rick on my side. We both wish to be cremated. Rick wants a nondenominational military ceremony in St Louis that is presided by one of his family members or a friend of his family. He wants his ashes to be spread over the Arizona desert, so that we can stay close in case I will be the one who stays a while longer on this earth. I wish to be cremated and truly don’t mind what happens with the ashes. I hope Rick can spread them at a place that is meaningful to him, in case Rick is the one who has a while longer to live. I don’t want any religious words or prayers if possible and only people that knew me to speak some words if they want to. I will otherwise donate all my remains for scientific purposes and if possible I want all my organs to be donated to people that need some of them.
All this reminded me of a book I read a while back that asked to imagine how we would like our funeral to be and what we hope people will say about on this day. I think it is a good exercise as it allows me to clarify my values and who I wish to be in this world. This brings me back to the small talk issue. I certainly wish not to be all shy and make others uncomfortable with my presence. There is something for me to practice and to learn over the next few weeks in the US.
Yesterday we had a fantastic day in Tucson, Arizona. This is the city we would like to make our home when Rick retires in 5 years. It is a relatively large city that has a small town feel to it. I just love the flora and fauna in Arizona and foremost the air. At nighttime it is still nice and warm and it feels like being caressed all over by this soft air. I am dreaming of an adobe house, which is one of the traditional houses that was build by the Pueblo Indians in the Southwest. They are traditionally build out of clay and straw, which is baked into hard bricks. The houses are simple and box shaped. The house should have a garden in which I can use many stones and different desert plants as decoration. I am truly not a grass type of person. The mere thought of mowing a lawn, rain, and gardening is not really for me. On the contrary the possibility of decorating with stones, metals, glass, and other interesting materials is very appealing to me. We visited the house and gallery of Ted DeGrazia. He is an artist from Arizona, who has extensively traveled through Mexico and loved this country and its people. I was especially fascinated with his simple drawings of children: so simple, so beautiful, and so touching. It is amazing how some things turn back up in my life. About four years ago I found a small Mexican cookbook in a used bookstore and bought it for Rick, because I loved the drawings of Mexican people in it. Once I entered the gallery today I immediately recognized these drawings from the cookbook again. They were DeGrazia’s drawings of Mexican people. Today we are on our way to Phoenix, where we will stay a while longer. I truly enjoy all the sopping opportunities and all the Mexican food here.
We went into town this afternoon and were looking for a bookshop. We didn't find one and instead saw a plastic surgery clinic, a gun shop and a Christian joy center. Here is a picture or the gun shop that is located right next to the Christian place. This is rural America in my view: firearms and prayer.
Yesterday we arrived in Alamogordo. This is a very small town close to the Mexican border (El Paso). I truly enjoyed the three hour drive from Albuquerque to Alamogordo. Straight through the desert, underneath an open blue sky scattered with some white puffy clouds, dry and soothing warm air, and quirky people at the rest stops. I love the South West of America and finally feel as if I have arrived home. Turkey seems very far away and I have a hard time to transport myself back into our old life there. I mostly love the air in the desert and the immenseness of the landscapes and views.
America to its fullest. Now I am truly overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, it was interesting to watch this event in person. Baseball is a very slow game or at least it was last night. It takes over three hours, which I would say is a bit long to watch people occasionally hit a small ball and to run or walk in a circle. I lost interest in the actual game quiet quickly. Its rules could be very simple but turned out to be quiet complex and difficult. Therefore it became for me more of a social study.
People were very moderate a quiet compared to European soccer matches, where it is more likely to watch fights, drunk people, and other dramas. Baseball is more of a family event that is very expensive. Not only the tickets but the food and the drinks are all over priced. I payed 4$ for one small bottle of water. This was a shocker after Turkey where the water costs less than 50 cents. The other shocker was to see so many very large people. I knew that people here are more likely to be overweight but I forgot how large they truly are. Again after Turkey, where it is very rare to see young overweight people. Even older people are only moderately on the larger side.
Today I got good news from Nihan. Her little embryo has by now a heart beat and grows steadily. Pregnancy is such a miracle. Over the last 20 hours of traveling in various airplanes I imagined myself having to do all of this with a small or even bigger child. The mere thought of it was already overwhelming. From time to time I can picture myself as a mother and then again not at all. I certainly can see Nihan as a mother. She has so much love in her heart that it is fascinating and wonderful to watch her in interaction with others. Her overall form of relating to her friends and family is so impressive to me.
There was something else that I wanted to note here so that I wouldn't forget about this thought. It seems to have slipped my mind. Over the last few days I researched the definitions of atheism and agnostic. In this search I came across two authors and speakers that truly touched the point of my understanding of religions and god. It feels as if I finally found my own definition and people that have a deeper understanding of religions and are able to address what I am often fearful to express, for lack of arguments and background knowledge. More about all of this in a few days.
Good-bye Izmir, good-bye my friends, good-bye Turkey. I am so thankful for all these amazing experiences I have had in this country. Here is a list of the things I wished for and that have come true: I started a women's circle (the most important and wonderful experience). I found four important girl friends. Our marriage deepened and got so much more fulfilling and calmer. I got pregnant (even though I had a miscarriage, it was an amazing time and feeling). I started studying psychology online and do very well with it. I increased my fitness and started bike riding. I feel able to live a happy life without a therapist on my hand. I was able to work a bit as a massage therapist.
These are only a few of my achievements. There are many more. Th main thing is that I fell in love with Turkey and its people.
Today we had a short shopping and lunch experience here in St. Louis. I am totally overwhelmed by all the choices in products. Suddenly it all seems like such a waste and overflow of things. But I also know that it is very easy to get used to it all. We humans are incredibly adaptable in either direction (upward or downward). At the moment I am just overwhelmed but also like it. I was able to buy a down filled sleeping bag that only weighs 500 gram. I can use it over the next 3 month of travel. No more thin or scratchy hotel sheets, no more plastic blankets, no more freezing in highly air conditioned rooms. I am very excited about this purchase.
Here are two pictures of me and my new sleeping bag (Schlaftuete as my brother Stephan calls it).
I guess all the emotional and inner turmoil of saying good-bye to my friends, Nihan, Janset, Meryem and Nathalie is truly difficult to describe. The farewell gifts I have received were amazing. One gift needs to be mentioned. It is a DVD that includes a compilation of small films of us in my house, of a short film of my favorite places in Alsancak, short farewell speeches by my friends, a cooking class by Janset and Nihan, that describes how to make Mercimek corbasi, Kuru Fasulye, and Kisir. These were my favorite dishes in Turkey.
I cannot grasp the fact that I am already gone. Just one hour ago I have arrived in St. Louis, MO. I feel quiet sad and lonely. America feels like a huge culture shock and I feel intimidated by the loudness and forcefulness of people's voices. Additionally is the hugeness of people, cars, things, and my own luggage a wee bit overwhelming. I guess it will feel more familiar in a few days.
Well, all the visitors are gone and at the same day all of our furniture have been packed. We just arrived in our hotel here in Izmir, where we will stay for one more week. I like the prospect of traveling over the next three month.
The week long stay of my brother was great. We haven't really spend any time together since 5 years. It was nice to have him around for a week. He is such an easy guest; very sensitive to our needs and easy to get along with. He even managed to walk through Kemeralit with me for 6 hours without complaining. I was sad to see him leave. I think he fell in love with Turkey as well. My father and Heidi only spent a few days with us and went back to Cesme to their hotel. This was as well a very easy and fun visit. We had a big farewell party together with our friends and my family. All of them were able to meet each other and to get to know one another. I will post some pictures of this visit in three month, when we get to Italy. Unfortunately are all of these pictures on the other computer, which is now in some wooden box on its way to Italy.
Only one more week in my beloved Turkey. I want to have Kirmizi Mercimek Corbasi every night. Never again will I have this wonderful soup as perfect as it is served here. It is a red lentil soup, that has a very thick consistency. It is very simple in taste and is served with some lemon juice on top and fresh pide on the side. The amazing thing about this soup is that it doesn't really taste like lentils. It is rich and creamy. I can't really describe the taste. Here is a recipe:
Kirmizi Mercimek Corbasi
Ingredients: - 1 cup red lentils, washed and drained - 1 onion, chopped - 1 small carrot, chopped - 1 1/2 cubes chicken or beef bouillon - 4 cups water
Garnish: - 1 tbsp butter - Red pepper flakes
Place all the main ingredients in a medium-sized pot. Cook for about 20 minutes on medium-low heat. Then mix thoroughly using a blender. If necessary (too thick), add more hot water. Pour into soup bowls using a ladle.
Melt the butter in a small pan and add in the pepper. When it starts bubbling, pour over the soup. Serve Red Lentil Soup while still hot with fresh bread.
This is a very simple recipe. I sometimes use a small potato with it. This makes the soup a bit thicker. I also found that half an onion is enough. But I have to admit I am not an onion fan. Another way to cook it is to simmer the onion first in some butter. Last possible change is to press the mixture through a sieve instead of blending it. The consistency is much nicer this way. Just try it out.
Yesterday morning I was on my way to my doctor and decided to take a few pictures from the street scenes around me. I am kind of sad that I haven't taken more pictures. Each day I see so many interesting and fascinating things happening that I might forget. I truly will miss this place and its different daily occurrences. Sometimes I wish I could post the smells and sounds with it. They are left to my memory and fantasy. My brain is certainly creating its own story around these memories. Every little bit of information that we integrate into our memory is anyhow a kind of lie and never represents the entire truth. I assemble these impressions in the context of my own past, my current perception, tainted by my emotions, and here we go its all distorted. No matter what I seem to find it interesting enough to remember.
I just love this place. Each time I discover something new. Today I went with Nathalie. My favorite places are "boncuk" bead shops. It is all glittery, dusty, and fascinating. the pure possibility of doing something creative with all these colorful beads is very tempting.
The other highlight of the day were a few dresses that I got made by a woman called Luetfiye. They are amazing and beautiful. I will take pictures when I pick them up. Each time I go to her shop, even though it is not too difficult to find, I get lost and wander in some alleyways with various sellers. With my obviously European looks, they try out every language to tempt me to enter their shops. Bitteschoen, Hallo, Welcome, Hello, Mademoiselle, etc. It is kind of funny.
Yesterday Nihan, Janset and I visited Meryem in her new house in Urla. Wow, it is so beautiful and has a stunning view of the sea. A little piece of heaven in paradise. We had a nice time. each meeting with them becomes now more precious. Maybe this is the beauty of knowing that I have to leave. I value the friendships and the time I can have with my friends so much more. Nihan found out that she is pregnant, which was the most beautiful piece of news yesterday. Time to celebrate!
This is what I was always hoping for to experience when I did transcendental meditation. I might not believe in God as he/she is presented to me through language, depictions, religious practice, prayers, rituals, explanations, stories, etc., but I do believe in this all uniting energy and peacefulness within all of us. I guess this is my understanding or holiness.
Yesterday I met with Nathalie for coffee. We had so many Starbucks adventures together and many many walks on the Kordon. Our conversations are always interesting. She has very good insights and such a large scholarly knowledge. Everything from Turkish history, music, over philosophy, law, sociology, psychology, and so many more things were on our discussion agenda. When I see Nathalie, my heart opens up and I feel immediately connected to her. It is easy to be who I truly am with her. There is nothing I want to hide of change about myself. I love to listen to her and always feel understood and heard by her. Here is a picture of us: Rick and I were chasing the "Tour of Turkey" yesterday. Nothing is truly well advertised, described, or explained. This means that it was pure luck and a lot of cruising around before we were able to find the start of the tour. We eventually figured out that the riders started at the clock tower by Konak pier. It was interesting to see all these very traditional Turkish people watch the start of the bike race. I wonder what they were thinking about all these men in their colorful and tight clothing. Here is a picture of this event:
Bike riding is not all too popular in Turkey and people use bikes only to transport water bottles garbage or if they are too poor to have a car.
I had a fantastic day yesterday. We did all my favorite things and had a farewell dinner with Rick's friend Zafer and his wife Neslihan. Here is a picture of this evening:
My favorite thing in Izmir is browsing and shopping around Kemralti. I bought a leather jacket and got some shirt dresses made. Today was the first really warm day in Izmir. Summer is here, which is so wonderful. All the smells bring back all the memories of last year's summer. This month one of my favorite fruits has come back. It is a fruit called "erikli". It is a type of plum that is very sour and is eaten with a bit of salt on it.
My father, Heidi, and my brother are coming to visit us on Tuesday. My brother's visit was not planned but he decided to join the farewell party on Saturday and booked a ticket. I must admit that I am nervous about the visit, because we haven't spend time together in a very long time. The last time we had more than a few hours together was while I lived in Exeter (England). I hope that all of us are able to enjoy our time together. I know that I am not the best host and that I have a very short temper with my father and my brother. Family relations are a strange thing. At least I can say that my family has no expectations whatsoever. There is truly no pressure to be the perfect travel guide or entertainer. It is always easy for me to spend time with my father and Heidi in their house in Germany. They are so loving and easy to get along with. Here is what I hope to experience during this visit: I wish to be relaxed and at ease at all times. I can see myself very open and gentle with them. We are laughing a lot, we have great discussions, we enjoy each others company and have an easy time relaxing with each other. There is some truth to self-fulfilling prophecies. I therefore refuse to paint the devil on the wall.
Where shall I start? I guess right here. This is day 1 of my last 21 days here in Izmir. I am terribly sad to leave my friends and this beautiful country behind. On the 24th of April 2006 Rick and I arrived via boat from Samos. To see Turkey for the first time was so exciting and I still remember how nervous and curious I was. My body was full of dreams and hopes. All of these have come true. The most important was to find close friends, which I did. I met four of the most amazing women here in Izmir.
Over the next 21 days I wish to find a way of saying good bye and also to formulate new dreams and hopes for our next place (Aviano, Italy).
My name is EVA and I love my name. I love my husband and the smell of his skin. I love our daughter Leyla. I love to get up early in the morning and have warm oatmeal and a warm latte macchiato. I love the smell of vanilla, cinnamon, clove, and oranges. I love to get Leyla out of bed and to hold her warm body close to mine. I love to smell Leyla. I love to have one on one conversations with friends. I love piano music. I love the smell of Lillies and orange flowers. I love spring and autumn. I also love the desert heat and the smell of rain in the desert. I love the stillness in the snow. I love riding my bike in the country. I love tea in the winter. I love to watch the sun rise. I love to read. I love to watch Leyla play. I love to talk about babies. I love candles. I love kind people. I love short trips. I love big cities. I love massages. I love foot massages by Rick. I love taking big and deep breaths. I would love to meditate more. I would love to find my spirituality. I would love to stop thinking. I would love to let go of thoughts about the past and the future. I would love to laugh more from my belly.
I love my life!
If the love within your mind is lost and you see other beings as enemies, then no matter how much knowledge or education or material comfort you have, only suffering and confusion will ensue.
What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible, is obvious? One's own faults, that are precisely as obvious as the effort made to hide them. His Holiness the 7th Dalai Lama
